5 years ago . . .

Five years ago I was given a unique opportunity to make a miracle happen. Five years ago I didn't know how deep my gratitude could reach and how much light and knowledge and truth could be mine. Five years ago I didn't yet know just how quickly my life could be turned upside down. And even at my own bidding! Because five years ago—in January 2010—I'd declared it the YEAR of HEALTH. Oh the irony. Sometimes it has to get pretty dark before the sun shines in again, but then, if you can wait it out and hold on with hope, it shines brighter than ever before. To get the health I desired I had to first be totally incapacitated. But at the time I didn't realize that my life was actually being flipped right side up.

Five years ago today I walked into a rheumatologist's office for the first time. She painted a picture of a life I didn't want. I wore orthotics and used a handicap parking pass. Sometimes I couldn't flip the blinker on or turn the gas cap of my car. I wanted more. I prayed for more. And I searched and searched until I got more.

Five years ago I was led like I've never been led. Friends, friends of friends, sisters of friends, coworkers of friends, and total strangers gave me the answers I didn't know were the answers.

Five years ago next month I went to lunch with Emily, and she told me about her grandpa with cancer who'd kept on living. I asked her endlessly, and she told me all she knew about choosing foods that were more alkaline—a 20/80 goal—to fuel my body with what it needed most in such a weak state. Plant-based and preservative-free. So I did what she said.

Five years ago I started listening. Listening to my body. Listening to my spirit. Relistening to the CDs of The Omnivore's Dilemma. And listening to the wisdom of people past and present. I remembered that I'd been told my whole life to "eat meat sparingly" and eat "every herb in the season thereof; and every fruit in the season thereof." Five years ago I started to eat real food—the stuff God made.

Five years ago I cried with joy in my discoveries. I dug deep into Chinese medicine and learned about the emotions behind illnesses. Get this. I learned that my colon's role to hold onto nutrients and let go of waste is directly tied to my emotional ability to hold onto and let go of—to let go of the past, to let go of anger, to forgive, and to hold onto the good. Every organ and every system functions according to my emotional health. If my emotions are smothered and ignored, my physical body becomes imbalanced and sick. Five years ago I couldn't get enough of this learning. Five years ago I stepped into a world of endless possibility and total accountability. Five years ago I learned I could change my reality and I could create a new future for myself.

I am forever grateful for five years ago and everything in between. It has been a health journey. A health scavenger hunt. A test beyond all tests. I am grateful for my miraculous body, the drive to keep asking, the inspiration (i.e., partial insanity) to follow, and the amazing people along the way who have changed me forever—body, mind, and spirit.

One Reason Not to Go Raw

I just had an ah-ha moment. Did you know that some greens actually provide more of a certain vitamin or mineral AFTER they are cooked? Chard is one of those and so are spinach and kale. I got this data below by going to Self Nutrition Data and comparing cooked kale's nutrients to raw kale's.

Click on the images for a closer look. Are you surprised? It looks like if you're wanting more vitamin C, go for the raw kale, but if you're looking for an even more gargantuan amount of vitamin A, go for the cooked version.

What really caught my eye was the "Inflammatory Factor" numbers. Kale is already a highly anti-inflammatory green, but look at how that factor almost doubles when cooked. I had no idea! The lesson we learn, as always? Eat more kale. Eat more greens!

Just in case you're wondering why this information matters, stress causes inflammation and a whole lot of the foods we eat cause inflammation. People who deal with chronic or acute pain issues would do themselves good to eat more foods that are anti-inflammatory. I am always looking for ways to decrease the inflammation in my joints, so discovering this little secret about kale is huge. This morning, before I even made this discovery, I had some scrambled eggs cooked with garlic, bell pepper, and kale. Guess I'll be keeping that up and creating all kinds of new concoctions with cooked kale.

Go to Self Nutrition Data and type in chard and spinach (or any other food) to check out their nutrition facts and inflammatory factor.

(Out of curiosity I just looked up dandelion greens too. Same pattern of the nutrients skyrocketing when cooked. I'm going to have to look into this some more. Any insights? What is it that increases the anti-inflammatory property in greens when they are cooked? Time for me to do some research.)

My Top 4 Diet Changes for Rheumatoid Arthritis, Cancer, and Other Illnesses

Oh the joy! There's nothing that makes me want to dance and leap around the room more than when I hear someone say they are ready to take a stand for their health. Lucky me, I've been able to hear it come out of 4 different people's mouths in the last 3 days—this morning I happened to hear it from one of my most favorite aunts, who also happens to have rheumatoid arthritis. I feel overjoyed after hanging up with her.

I'm blogging today to not only share my joy and excitement but to also share how when you set your sights on something, truly desiring it, we inevitably collide with the answers we're seeking through multiple sources. My aunt wanted to know how I first went about changing my diet, and after practically every new thing I told her she'd say, "No way! My friend was just telling me that same thing yesterday," or "We went to dinner last night, and a man there was talking about how his cancer has been getting better because he's been doing that too!"

So it's time to share. Here are the 4 main health changes I made to get improve my nutritional intake and improve my health on multiple levels:

1. Eat alkaline foods.
2. Eat salmon and/or fish oil.
3. Eat cruciferous vegetables (i.e., cauliflower, cabbage, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, bok choy, kale, and collard greens.
4. Drink green smoothies.

You may hear me got on my soap box time after time about alkaline foods, but it's for a reason. Everything we eat falls on a spectrum of acidic on one end and alkaline on the other end. Click here and here for a chart of where foods fall on this spectrum. The goal is to eat more alkaline foods so that your body can reserve it's resources to fighting illness rather than neutralizing acidic foods in digestion.

Salmon contains much needed omega 3s that reduce inflammation and build up muscles to support joints, particularly helpful for rheumatoid arthritis. Salmon is also high in Vitamin D, which has been shown to reduce the production of blood vessels that cancer tumors feed off of.

Cruciferous vegetables are full of disease-fighting phytochemicals and are known to help prevent various forms of cancer, such as colon, prostate, and breast cancers, as well as rheumatoid arthritis. If you're dealing with poor health, it's recommended that we eat these friendly veggies 4 to 7 times a week. At first I thought this was ridiculously impossible until I realized that I already was drinking kale practically daily in my morning green smoothie! Who knew kale was a cruciferous vegetable?—The more you learn. And if you'd like to learn more about cruciferous vegetables, click here.

Drinking green smoothies not the first health change I made 2 years ago, but hands down it was the most significant. Greens such as kale, spinach, collard greens, and chard are packed with vitamins and minerals. They are full of iron, calcium—no wonder there's calcium in cow's milk because cows eat greens all day long, but who knew you didn't need milk to get calcium?—and mega amounts of vitamin A and C. According to Self Nutrition Data, kale is "a good source of Dietary Fiber, Protein, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Folate, Iron, Magnesium and Phosphorus, and a very good source of Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Vitamin K, Vitamin B6, Calcium, Potassium, Copper and Manganese." Apparently it's a vegetable worth including in your diet! Self Nutrition Data is an awesome website for looking up the health benefits of foods.

Here's a blog post bonus to keep inspiring you. It's time to take a stand for your health!

Salmon and Omega-3 Fatty Acids

©http://www.inkanat.com/en/arti.asp?ref=salmon-oil

When I first got really sick with rheumatoid arthritis (March 2010), my dear friend Hayley became the salmon chef extraordinaire, and every Thursday night she'd bring me a new salmon dish. What a saint, no? Back then I'd been reading a lot about how omega-3 fatty acids found in salmon help in reducing inflammation and joint pain, along with a list of other great health benefits, including losing weight, preventing heart disease, lowering blood pressure, improving painful periods, reducing ADHD symptoms, reversing breast and colon cancer, and improving your mood. I was also making salmon for myself weekly, and my mom would make salmon almost every Sunday when I'd go home for family dinner. All in all, during those first four months of being diagnosed I was eating salmon up to 4 times a week.

Since then, as my inflammation and pain have decreased drastically, I'm less vigilant about getting my omega-3s from salmon—usually eating it only once every one to two weeks now. I eat chia seeds and flax seeds a'plenty, along with dark leafy greens, free-range eggs, walnuts, olive oil, winter squash, and occasionally shrimp, which all have a varying amount of omega-3s, but today my doctor recommended I make an added effort to eat salmon twice a week. I've been going to a new doctor who reactivates muscles, and he explained that my muscles will heal faster if I eat more omega-3s, particularly those found in seafood as opposed to those found in plants. It's been incredible to see that as the doctor reactivates the nerve connections, my RA pain lessens. He worked on my lower back last week. Many of the nerves in my muscles are no longer getting their messages to the brain and vice versa. So by stimulating the nerves, the muscles are reactivated to once again work as they should. Today the doctor worked on my left shoulder, and I am thanking the heavens that I am continuing to discover more ways to heal naturally. My shoulder has been in a lot of pain the past few days, so I'm excited to see what tomorrow brings.

So on my way home from the doctor's I bought two pounds of glorious salmon, and I'd say I'm awaiting dinner with quite a bit of excitement. Nothing beats eating freshly grilled salmon outside under the oak trees—plus the breeze is perfect today and the sun is my best friend. Welcome back, salmon of the sea! Who knew I was missing you so? One of my most favorite salmon recipes is found here in a past post. To read more about how much you need of omega-3s, click here for one website of information.

RA Timeline: Symptoms and Treatment

Many of you are coming to this blog in search of answers. Maybe you have an unexplainable pain in your body, maybe you want to start eating healthier, or maybe you have RA and want to know what I did to be mostly pain free now.

For those who think it might be helpful, here's a timeline that shows when my physical pain started, what medical practitioners I visited, how I changed my diet, and any other specifics that might help you along your own journey. Please let me know if you have timeline questions that I don't answer. And remember that everyone's experiences with health and healing are different, so always be in tune with the needs of your body. My experience may be very different from your own, but hopefully you can pull a few gems from my journey that will help you in your own. I've learned there's always hope!

2009
Oct 8–10: Left shoulder frozen for first time. Researched pain and seems to be bursitis. Wearing a sling.
Nov 20-23: Right shoulder frozen for first time. Bursitis. Wearing a sling.
Dec 31–Jan 2: Right shoulder frozen again. Bursitis. Wearing a sling.

2010
Jan 1–2: Right shoulder frozen. Bursitis. Wearing a sling.
Jan 4–6: Right shoulder frozen. Bursitis. Wearing a sling.
Jan 23–26: Right shoulder frozen. Bursitis. Wearing a sling.
Jan 28–29: Severe throat pain. Tender on outside of throat—can't turn head w/o throat in pain. (Ended up being connected to the RA.)
Jan 29: Teeth hurt bad. Left side. (Ended up being connected to the RA.)
Jan 30–Feb 23: Right foot in pain—second toe. (Turns out my toe had a stress fracture from wearing low heels for a few hours! What?)

Feb 17: Left elbow starts hurting for first time. Can't put any weight on it.
Feb 18: Finger joints start hurting for first time. Difficult to use fingers to dress myself, drive, tie shoes, push microwave buttons. You get the idea.
Feb 18–21: Left shoulder frozen. Bursitis. Wearing a sling.
Feb 24–25: Right wrist bone swollen and hurting for first time.
Feb 25: 1st doctor's appointment about joint pain. Anti-CCP test results high. Most likely rheumatoid arthritis, but referred to a rheumatologist for further examination and testing.

Mar 01–03: Jaw frozen for first time. Left side. (Connected to the RA.)
Mar 03–04: Left wrist bone swollen and hurting again.
Mar 03: Dad gives me a priesthood blessing. (In my religion we believe the priesthood is God's power on the earth, so if we are sick we'll often ask a priesthood holder to give us a blessing.)
Mar 08: Right hand first knuckle, on pointer finger. Swollen and painful.
Mar 08: Visit gastrointerologist about colon pain. Diet change #1: No more dairy. Diet changes that followed included no more processed foods, white flour, table sugar, table salt, and meat. Lots of whole grains and whole foods. If it grew out of the ground, I ate it.
Mar 08: 1st visit holistic practitioner about joint pain. Click here for details. Includes light & sound treatment.
Mar 09: Fingers start hurting again and continues nonstop now. Mostly left pointer and middle finger joints, and right pointer knuckle. Can't cut food anymore.
Mar 10: 1st visit with rheumatologist. Lots of X-rays. No joint damage, but stress fracture on toe. More blood work. Doctor gives me prescription for Naproxin.
Mar 11: Start taking Naproxin, but doesn't do anything for the pain. After a few weeks I decide to not take it anymore.
Mar 25: 2nd visit with rheumatologist. Blood work confirms I have RA. Ultrasound on joints show no joint damage. Very frustrated with the doctor. I don't feel heard, and she has nothing to tell me about prevention.
Mar 27–28: First time I feel like I was hit by a truck. Can barely walk or move. Can't drive because legs too weak. I am determined I will not live like this.
Mar 31–Apr 30: Elbow pain severe. Left side. Never quite stops for months, but pain gets fainter depending on the day.

Apr 06: Get a handicapped parking pass. I ask for a stronger prescription for the pain but never fill it. 
Apr 07: Orthodic insoles made for my shoes at Wasatch Orthodics, $250.
Apr 07: Purchase a Blendtec and start making green smoothies daily!!
Apr 08: Committed to daily walk through the neighborhood even if it hurts and is more like a shuffle.
Apr 24: First massage for RA. Rain drop therapy w/ essential oils. Thanks, Char!

May 06: 2nd visit with holistic practitioner. Includes light and sound treatment. (If you want to know what she told me about the RA and what caused it in me, please comment and I will share more.)
May 15–16: First time both feet are in pain. Saturday I walked a few hours in Seattle until feet hurt too bad, and then Sunday I couldn't walk unless delicately w/ shoes on around the house. Unbearable pain.
May 18: The extreme fatigue is setting in for first time.
May 27: Replace toothpaste, deodorant, shampoo, lotion, and all personal care items to all-natural. Coconut oil replaced lotion and eye make-up remover.
May 29: Another Rain Drop massage from Char.

June 01: No more gluten as an experiment.
June 21: Discover Victoria Boutenko and raw food. Check out her books from library. Start experiment to not eat nightshade vegetables.
June 29: 3rd visit w/ holistic practitoner. Includes light and sound treatment.

Jul 12: Cancel appointment w/ gastrointerologist.
Jul 15: Cancel appointment w/ rheumatologist. Never go back to rheumatologist. I tell her I'm seeing progress in my health through diet change and natural & holistic medicine.
Jul 22: Start swimming 2–3 times a week.

Aug 19: 4th visit w/ holistic practioner. It's official—doctor's computer shows my body does not tolerate tomatoes, nightshade veggies, corn, gluten, peanut butter, soy, dairy. All my food eliminations are paying off. Includes light and sound treatment.
Aug 24: Attend raw foods cooking class.
Aug 31: Massage.

Sept 15: First time hip hurt.
Sept 20: Doctor appointment. Lots of abdominal pain, but everything looks okay.

Oct 04: Start water aerobic class. Water too cold for my joints, so I don't go back.
Oct 13: Start using Frankinscense essential oil my dear friend Miriam gives me.
Oct 19: 1st cranial sacral therapy visit. Focus on releasing emotional blockage in chakras to get energy flowing properly throughout the body again. Emotional blocks are often the cause of illness.
Oct 21: 5th visit w/ holistic practioner. Pain steadily dropping with each visit. Includes light and sound treatment.
Oct 26: 2nd cranial sacral therapy visit.

Nov 09: 3rd cranial sacral therapy visit.
Nov 17: Go to Brandon Flowers concert and request a chair. People get riled up that I get a special seat. My first experience w/ public being unaware and me feeling ashamed of RA. Accused of making up the pain just to get a special seat and that felt horrible.

Dec 02: 6th visit w/ holistic practitioner. Pain still dropping steadily.
Dec 11: Rain Drop massage.  
Dec 11: First time making a special exception to eat "regular" food like roast beef, canned corn, mashed potatoes, and a dinner roll. I was invited to a Sunday dinner and felt confident about my health improvements to make a diet exception. I said no to the Jell-O and pie though.

Dec 13: First cranial sacral visit with new practitioner. (I continue my visits about once a month for the first 7 months. Now I go on average every 3 months.)

Dec 16: First time going to chiropractor. I start going 2 times a week for 4 months. I stop going because I now have a good handle on what emotions trigger the physical pains Dr. Robb is adjusting me for chiropractor.

2011

Sept 25: Invited as a guest speaker to a Sunday workshop service to speak about spiritual & physical healing through Christ based on what I'd learned through my RA journey. Amazing experience! (I have a recording, so I think I will upload this in the future.)

Oct 03: First time going to acupuncture. For 10 weeks (Oct-Dec) I went 2 times a week. Then from mid Dec-Feb I went 1 time a week.

Nov 29: Start yoga again. Hooray!

Dec 2: 7th visit w/ holistic practitioner. The RA does not show up in my body anymore, and pain doesn't register on her computer. I cried the whole way home.

2012
Feb 23: I got re-evaluated today at acupuncture, and I've made so much progress I will be going only once a month now. This is huge! I was jumping for joy.

Today: I still primarily eat a gluten-free vegan/pescatarian diet. Lots of whole foods and little sugar. I eat peanut butter again and nightshade veggies, but everything in moderation. Still no soy, which I think is a good idea for most people—as little processed foods as possible makes a huge difference. If you're saying, "Please pass the green!" you're sure to be on the best path for your all-around health.

Mud Pie in the Eye

Those of you who know me well are quite aware that I'm not one to take "no" for an answer and that I vehemently live by the phrase "where there's a will there's a way." I just believe. It comes from somewhere deep within that I can't always explain. Strength or weakness of mine? It all depends on how you choose to look at it.

But as of late I've been hitting a brick wall of sorts with my faith. Here's the conclusion I've come to: It's easy for me to have faith that something will happen if it's ultimately for someone else's good. My prayers are unstoppable when I am praying for other people. You want your baby to sleep through the night? Just let me know, and I'll get on that. When I ask God for a way to help others, the answers come instantly. So why do I often feel a block when it comes to asking for what I want and need?

When I first was diagnosed with RA I told God that this was not the life for me. Why? Because I was meant to be out in the world helping people. I wanted to be healed so that I could serve others. That's a great reason, and I feel lots of passion about that cause, but what about wanting to be healed because I simply care about my own well-being? What about feeling deserving of health simply because I am a divine daughter of an immortal, all-knowing, all-powerful Creator?

In a previous post called What do you want? I wrote about how we sometimes ask for what we want but aren't in a place to receive it. The past few weeks this has been reinforced to me but with one additional piece. If I want something, I need to start by asking to be shown what is keeping me from getting it. Most of the time that blockage comes from within ourselves. This brings the responsibility back to us, empowers us (and sometimes frustrates us at the same time), and shows us how we need to change so that THEN we can receive the desires of our hearts.

So simple, right? So easy? Piece of cake. Piece of cake! . . . Well, in this case I am the first to say after what I've experienced the past few weeks, it is no piece of cake. It's more like a mud pie in the face, up your nose, and in your eyes. It's no joyride to see your weaknesses magnified or to realize that you have emotional walls up that must come down in order to have what you're asking for. It can make you feel like you went one step forward only to fall twenty steps backward down a flight of stairs.

Here's what I was most pleasantly shown this week. (By the way, sometimes I feel like the ultimate guinea pig by putting all my gunk out here in cyberspace, but time and time again I feel like it's time to share what I'm learning.) I've been listening to a series of Unlimited Abundance CDs that have been helping me know what to clear up in my own life. So I've been asking God (or the Universe or whoever your Higher Power is), "What would it take to . . . (fill in the blank with what you want in your life)?" and then asking God to clear, delete, destroy, and uncreate whatever in my belief patterns is keeping me from this.

So for example I've been saying, "What would it take to love myself enough to feel deserving of joy?" and then "Whatever is keeping me from this, I delete, destroy, and uncreate." When I do this I am visualizing this power to delete, destroy, and uncreate coming from the pure light of Christ, or Source Energy—the source of all power, all light, and all love. I literally am visualizing His light shining down on me and taking my gunk away. Personalize this however you feel comfortable.

I started out super gung-ho listening to these CDs, thinking, "Man, it's going to be awesome to finally feel worthy of joy in my life! Bring it on!" I felt energized and could already feel the abundance coming into my life. I just knew it would happen. (Don't forget I am a recovering perfectionist who still thinks she's somewhat super human.) On days five and six of listening to the CDs I felt a sudden shift happen in me and saw small signs of the blessings that were to come—more passion for my thesis research, waking up to a flood of art ideas, art canvases I'd been wanting on sale for 50% off, winning a $50 Visa gift card, a loved one suddenly connecting with me more, amazing boys coming out of the wood work, my body feeling healthier and me running again, being on the front page of the paper and the next day a random guy emailing me because he saw the paper and thought I was cute. Over all I was feeling wide open to receiving! I thought, "This is easier than I thought. I do feel deserving of this!"

Sound pretty good? Can you see me standing there with arms out-stretched to the sky, awaiting the flood of love and joy and resources and health? Eyes closed and a big smile on my face, just waiting to be given all that yummy goodness.

Then came the mud pies. Multiple mud pies. Hard and fast, pelting my face one after another. I didn't know it would sting so bad. I didn't know I would be yelling, "Retreat!" after the first 5 seconds and then feel like crap for days. I was asking to be shown my baggage, but holy cow I did not even realize what my baggage was until I got it right in the face. Things I didn't know I felt, not to mention magnified—mud pie handed to you is definitely not as up close and personal as mud pie in your eye! One of the biggest mud pies thrown at me was fear of rejection. I had no idea. Feeling that intense fear made me want to curl up in the fetal position and say good-bye to all my hopes and dreams. I was literally thinking, "Um, so I take it back. My life is great. I don't need love or joy or health or money after all. I'm good. This unbearable pain is just not worth it."

Now do you think I'm going to be as willing to stand there with my arms out-stretched again? You may call me a gluten for punishment, but what other choice do I have? We choose to either stay in our bubble that's comfortable but maybe slightly miserable and unfulfilling, or to grow despite the mud up the nose from time to time. If I can offer any solace to both you and me, after the past year and a half of this journey it's getting easier to face my baggage. Not easy but easier. Why? Because I'm getting better at giving all my burdens to the Lord and asking for exactly what I need. I love myself more, so I'm more confident to unload on Him. We can connect to our Higher Power 24-7 and by so doing feel an outpouring of unconditional love and healing light from the True Source. He lives to bless us with love and grant our heart's desires, to wipe our tears away and comfort us, to calm our troubled hearts and listen to our complaints (see "I Know that My Redeemer Lives" Text © 1775 Samuel Medley)—there is nothing too small; there is nothing too big. He lives for us!

So many times throughout this healing journey I've wanted to turn back, run, hide, curl up in a ball, and beg, "Please! No more mud pies to the face!" but then what is this life for? This post may be more for me than you— I sure do need a good cheering squad right now. At about noon today my sciatica started screaming for attention, and in a matter of minutes it became super painful to sit and walk. I shouldn't be surprised since I asked to be blatantly shown all my unresolved issues, but about now I'm pleading, "Please take this away! When will this pain end? I've tried everything. What am I missing?" I still have so much to learn. So now it's time for me to slow down even more and humbly listen. I'll let you know what I hear.

The Pursuit of Joy

In the context of JOY, this speaks volumes.

Even though at the end of December my heart sung out that 2012 was my year of joy, and I was all pumped and ready to let the good times roll, I sure wasn't warned that in order for me to feel joy I have to change to allow it in. Change takes a lot of patience. A lot of self-care and quiet alone time to hear your spirit, or inner voice or higher self, whisper the answers, and even though I thought it would be easy to feel joy, the past few weeks have been reminding me that deep within I'm blocking it for some reason.

I thought I'd share a quick glimpse into this morning of my joints, which are my faithful reminders of how I need to change. Today they reminded me that I am not as joyful as I thought. Hah! If I'm not a happy person, I don't know what that makes some of you. (I hope that made you laugh, because I'm sure laughing!)

I woke up to stiff fingers, so I verbally released the need to control the details of life. I replaced those feelings with trust in God that He will take care of the details of life. That verbal clearing of emotions released the pain and stiffness from most of my fingers, so I went a little deeper to release more of the pain.

My right pinky in particular has been my trouble spot the past week and a half. It's tied to the Heart meridian and the ability to forgive. Each of us is made up of a balance of feminine and masculine energy—yin and yang, respectively—which govern the left and the right side of our body. So when I have blockages, or pain on the right side of my body, it is usually an imbalance of my masculine energy—pretty much an unresolved run-in with a guy. So to release the stiffness in my right pinky I sat and brainstormed men I needed to forgive. After a few minutes of verbally forgiving the men who came to mind it worked and I could bend my pinky. (The pinky pain is actually starting to come back though, so looks like I didn't do a thorough enough job. I was sort of in a hurry to get my day going, as some of you might be able to relate to.)

Then there's my right wrist, or actually a tiny bone right above that knob we call a wrist bone. I took a picture of it (below) so you can sort of see how there's a bump above my right wrist that shouldn't be there. It's really swollen and painful today, so I know this is my priority. Clearing all these painful emotions sometimes feels like a chore chart, which honestly sucks the joy out of healing.

Left wrist, no extra bump. 

 Right wrist, swollen extra bump.

And while we're on the topic of sucking the joy out of life, let's talk about how as I was awkwardly taking these pictures with my left hand and a hurt right wrist, trying to hurry before the camera battery died, my cute lime green tea kettle started whistling. I was trying to ignore it to get these pictures right and then my joy muscle in my back started throbbing!! Talk about hilarious. (Click here if you haven't read about the joy muscle yet.) Who else is lucky enough to have their body inflict instant pain to tell them to chill and just enjoy the moment? I know a few of you lucky RA folk who do, but I guarantee that the more you become aware of your emotions, all of you will start to feel your body talking to you. Maybe you ate too much and now your stomach is in pain. What is your body telling you? Or maybe you've been racing around all day trying to get everything done and now you have a monster headache, or maybe you lost your temper and were short with a loved one, and now you feel restless and guilty. We all have bodies that talk to us, but some of us just have chosen to ignore them long enough that now they scream at us the instant our emotions are off balance.

Back to the wrist. This wrist bone is part of the Small Intestine meridian, which is our meridian of joy. Starting to see a pattern here? When there's blockage in our Small Intestine meridian it's often associated with sadness, grief, and despair. Dating is the current culprit, as well as another big issue that's caused a lot of sadness in my life, so I'm dreading going deeper here because I know it won't be as easy. It'll probably take a few solid hours of prayer, meditation, scripture reading, yoga, nature, and any other way I feel led to fill my Mind, Body, & Spirit with light. Most days I can't dedicate solid hours to my health, but today it's important enough that I am going to. I truly believe (at least right now while I'm at a semi-positive place) that I can find joy in dating and be incredibly happy once I shift my perspective and release some false beliefs that are holding me back.

A week ago I was not so positive and luckily had Sam to vent to. Venting was the first step for me to get back up again, then I did a chakra meditation (I'll share part of this in another post) that shifted my attitude completely, and then I turned my heart to Christ for probably the hundred millionth time. Every time it's like, "Oh, yeah. You're here. I forgot I don't have to do this all myself!" Then the clouds part and the fog lifts and I can go a little further again.

Open to Everything and Attached to Nothing

(Images taken in Cypress, Greece, © 2008 Katie Newbold.)

In 2005 two close friends and I traveled back to Venezuela. We’d lived there together a few years previous and had been taught a richer way to live and a deeper way to love. We missed our dear friends, and we were also ready to take our life’s adventures into Canaima to sleep in the jungle for a few nights and hike to Angel Falls, the tallest waterfall in the world.

One Sunday during our trip we were sitting in the chapel of Las Brisas in Maturin, and the Sunday School lesson was on the Word of Wisdom. (Click here to read a previous post explaining the Word of Wisdom.) The teacher was outlining what the Word of Wisdom counseled us on food and what substances aren’t so great for the body. A man in the back raised his hand, made a comment, and then ended by saying, “The Word of Wisdom doesn’t address food combinations, though. Eating rice with pineapple isn’t good on the stomach,” mentioning some other bad food combos I don’t remember. My two friends and I rolled our eyes and whispered to each other, “Who is this crazy guy?” We obviously knew better because we were American with modern medicine and common sense, right?

Well come to find out, this man actually does have a foot to stand on, as many of you may know. Just yesterday, actually, I spoke on the phone with a university about their PhD program in holistic nutrition. The woman told me that the school nutrition program is based on an alkaline and acidic diet, and I told her how by following an alkaline/acidic, 80/20 eating pattern I was able to eliminate a lot of my rheumatoid arthritis pain. She told me that in this program I would learn how improper food combinations can spike RA pain even if I am eating an alkaline diet. Ah-ha. 

I have to admit that there have been many moments in my 30 years on this planet where I’ve thought I’ve known more than another person or that my way was better. I still find myself falling into that category time and time again. Except now I’ve adopted some of those very same outlandish beliefs I once snubbed and am on the other side of the table now. It's been a long humbling road, but I’d like to say I'm now at a place in life to be open to more, if not all, possibilities. It's so freeing! I'm much happier this way and much more guided. I seem to receive answers to my prayers much easier now too, because before if an answer wasn't in my line of vision, it didn't exist or couldn't possibly be my answer. No wonder we start thinking God doesn't hear us.

In January of last year my dear friend Andrea challenged me in the best way possible. She asked me what it would feel like to be open to everything. To let go and be guided and be open to every possibility, not clinging to what is familiar. One year ago began my quest to be “open to everything and attached to nothing,” and it has spurred my healing process one hundred fold. If I’d remained in my box of what was familiar and comfortable, I would’ve kept getting the same results—illness, stagnancy in life, a limited perspective, and the same level of faith.

In the many books I’ve read that tie negative emotions to physical illness, the overlying emotional cause of rheumatoid arthritis is being rigid and trying to control the details of life. By initially taking on that challenge to open myself up to everything and let go of familiar ground, I was literally paving a path of healing in that very act! Being flexible and open is still a struggle for me, although I’ve made so much progress in the last year. Recently I’ve been going even deeper within myself to cut off limiting beliefs and better understand why I feel a need to be rigid, controlling, or a perfectionist, and all I can say is I’ve never done anything so difficult in my entire life, but I’ve never been so close to my Savior, Jesus Christ. Even if no one else understands what we’re struggling with, He does and He will always be right there with us to ease our burdens and feel our pain. 

(Images taken in Cypress, Greece, © 2008 Katie Newbold.)

Part 1: Release Emotion, Release Physical Pain

(Images copyright 2012, Scientific Research Institute, Inc.)

Although we know that our health improves when we release negative emotions, many (if not most) of us aren't aware of our thoughts, let alone if our thoughts are negative. So how do we release all those negative thoughts and feelings that don't serve us if we're not even aware we're creating them?

I will be the first to admit that before I started on this health journey I was completely unaware of my thoughts. Sure I heard some of them, but I had no idea how critical I was of myself. I'm generally a very upbeat, high-energy person with a positive outlook on life, so how could I possibly be telling myself negative garbage inside? Once I started listening, all day long I heard my inner voices tell myself that I wasn't good enough. I started to be aware of the constant guilt I was feeling for not being everything for everyone and the constant worry of wanting others to approve of me and love me. Not until the blessed gift of rheumatoid arthritis (RA) came into my life almost 2 years ago did I have a reason to slow down, get in tune with my feelings, and start to hear my inner thoughts. And boy do those thoughts rush through your mind in milliseconds! They come and go just as fast as you glance at a stranger or overhear a conversation or read a phrase in an email, but even though they come and go without you even being aware, those triggers often leave you an emotional disaster—tense, anxious, and worried without even knowing why. Then has to start the process of elimination to remember what event and/or thought initially started that shift in emotion to be able to make a change and get back to a higher, healthier emotional state.

I had to really slow down and listen to myself to finally see the connection of my thoughts to my feelings and then to my physical pain. It is an all-out miracle that I started to see these connections, and I could write volumes about how I became aware of those inner voices and started to heal, but for now I will share just one blog post–worth of experience. Remember, I am still new to these roads, and even though it's been a year and a half of getting in tune with my Mind, Body, & Spirit, it's still a lot of trial and error. Lucky for me I have the physical joint and muscle pain as a marker. If I release the right emotions, the pain leaves. If I don't pin point the right emotion and situation, I keep brainstorming until I get it right and the pain leaves. And sometimes I never get it and the pain stays with me for a day or three—sometimes very frustrating when you think you should be able to locate the problem after doing this for a year!

So you may ask, how do you even begin to know what pain came from what emotion? Good question. When I started first started out I used the two books You Can Heal Your Life and Feelings Buried Alive Never Die. They have a helpful list of physical ailments and the possible emotional connection. This was enough for me at first, but then I wanted to better understand where they got this information. 

This took my studies into Eastern medicine to learn the chakras—the seven energy centers of the body. The chakras are part of our etheric, or spiritual, body of light and energy. Negative emotions and illness block this energy and light from flowing throughout the body. This light and energy is often called chi or qi or the Life Force, which I also refer to it as the Light of Christ. We cannot live without this light and energy, and every living organism, every creation of God, has this energy and light running through them. When there are no blockages we are balanced and healthy. Each of the seven chakras are centers for a different grouping of emotions, from ego and self-esteem in the Third Chakra to will and self-expression in the Fifth Chakra to spirituality in the Seventh Chakra. To learn the chakras and the possible corresponding health problems I used the book Anatomy of the Spirit as my guide.

Once I had a grasp on the chakras I went deeper to learn the meridians of Chinese medicine, which are the energy pathways that connect the chakras to one another. I've been going to a homeopathic doctor since 2003 who primarily works with the meridians to find the cause of a health problem, but I'd never felt the need to better understand the meridians until now—now that I am aware I can locate the negative emotions I am feeling that are causing my physical pain. Some of the meridians are the Large Intestine, the Lung, the Kidney (which includes the adrenals), the Bladder, the Gallbladder, the Small Intestine, the Heart, the Pericardium, the Triple Warmer, the Stomach, the Spleen-Pancreas, and the Liver. Every meridian corresponds with specific emotions.

So let's say if the small intestine meridian is showing energy blockage, this could mean that the person is unhappy with life and is experiencing real sadness and grief. If this sadness and grief goes on for too long, physically that person may have lots of ear infections, shoulder and elbow pain, digestion problems, sinus problems, and/or fibromyalgia, arthritis, bursitis, or other problems with the joints and connective tissue. I use a few websites as my meridian resources, so click here to go to one of them.

See Part II for specific examples of identifying negative thoughts and emotions and releasing them. 

Part II: Release Emotion, Release Physical Pain

(Image copyright 2004, Australian Myasthenic Association in NSW)

To continue on from Part I of Releasing Emotions, here is an example of how I typically become attune to my negative emotions and release them:

As I was commuting home yesterday I was drastically aware of my improved posture. No tugging on my shoulders to go forward. They were relaxed and back, which I attribute to just starting yoga again. I've only done yoga 3 times in the past 2 weeks, but I've been focusing a lot on my postures, so I was extremely happy at how strong my back is already feeling.

I was noticing my posture in particular because my "joy muscle" wasn't hurting. This muscle is located in your back, just alongside the shoulder blade. (Anyone know the name of this muscle in Western medicine and anatomy? I think it's the rhomboid muscles, based on The Trigger Point Therapy Workbook.*) As I got used to looking for patterns in my physical pain, I noticed this muscle in my back consistently hurting whenever I felt guilty for putting off work, so I started calling it my "guilt muscle." Well, much to my amazement, when I told my acupuncturist Regan about my "guilt muscle," he said, "Oh, your 'joy muscle'? Yeah, the joy muscle tightens when you're blocking joy." Hmmm. Well what do ya know. Chinese medicine calls it the joy muscle. Interesting, huh?

So anyways, my joy muscle's been hurting consistently the past few weeks, but on my drive home it felt great! It made me reflect on my day, which I then realized I'd really enjoyed. I'd slept in and missed my first class (yep, first week of school), but then it'd been a great afternoon with having invited community partners who work with the refugee population to come speak to our students—I love interacting with people and busily running here and there. Then I worked on my thesis a little bit, gathering SketchUp projects from boys on the autism spectrum who participate in our research, and then I went to my Theory of Attachment class, which is going to be deep and full of great discussion and self-discovery. I'm really looking forward to this semester.

Upon that happy reflection I thought it was no wonder my joy muscle was content and relaxed—I was allowing myself to feel the joys of my life. Then I glanced at the clock in my car—5:03 p.m.—and mentally scanned my fridge at home for food. I thought about making a veggie burger, but I knew it would take too long to cook the rice and then let it cool. I was starving and wished I had leftovers to eat as soon as I got home. This whole interchange of thoughts happened in seconds, and without me realizing it, my emotions were shifting downward. I wasn't aware of this shift until my joy muscle started to tense up again. It was incredible how fast it happened! Instantly, which isn't always the case with me, I stopped my thoughts and said out loud, "What just happened?" I back tracked in my thoughts and realized I was choosing to feel annoyed with my food situation. I was feeling like cooking was a drudgery and that I was dreading it. I was unhappy with my everyday circumstances. I was blocking joy from my life.

In that moment I canceled out all of those thoughts. Verbally expressing emotions literally frees your Mind, Body, & Spirit from the blockage these emotions can potentially create in your energy flow. So while I was driving I verbally released all feelings of my life being hard or a drudgery. Out loud I basically said, "I choose to release and let go of all annoyance at having to make my dinner because it takes so long. I release all frustration and anger at not already having food to eat. I release all feelings of not being worthy of feeling joy in cooking or enjoying my life." You get the picture. After I verbally released all of the negative emotions I was feeling, I tapped my thymus 12 times with my fingers. Your thymus is a gland located under your sternum. (To read more about the thymus gland, go here and here. I haven't done much study in this area, so feel free to share what you learn about the thymus's role in healing the Mind, Body, & Spirit. I know it has to do with its function with the immune system and stimulating the thymus to produce T-cells, but I don't know how it works exactly.)

After tapping my thymus, I put my hand on my belly and took a few long deep inhales and exhales. I won't get into the details of this now, but I do a lot of visualization while I'm doing this deep breathing to help me feel like I'm really and truly releasing this burden of negative emotions. Any way you choose, see yourself releasing a weight of emotions. It can be symbolic. It can be the first thing that comes to your mind. Then I put my hand on my heart and verbally replace all the negative emotions with positive "I am" statements. So in this case I said things like, "I am patient and love my life. I am grateful for the abundance of food that surrounds me. I am full of joy! I am creative and quick thinking. I am at peace with the flow of my life. I am worthy of feeling joy in my everyday experiences." So that is one way to release negative emotions, release physical pain, and get your energy flowing again.

When I start to feel my body tense up or my emotions shift downward, I know it's time to pause, reflect on recent events, and release negative emotions. The more you slow down, as I know you all know, the easier it is to be more connected to your thoughts and emotions. Even if you aren't currently experiencing physical pain from unprocessed/unexpressed emotions, releasing those emotions improves your energy level and mood, and prevents physical illness from happening.

Since this post became a lot longer than I thought it'd be, future posts are to come with more of my experiences with releasing emotions and seeing the physical pain disappear. This may be a lot of new information at once, so try it out for yourself and see how you see a difference in your life.


*"Trigger point muscles in the rhomboids cause an aching kind of pain along the inner edge of the shoulder blade, which becomes more noticeable at rest. A significant amount of pain at this site may also be coming from the serratus posterior superior muscle, which lies beneath the rhomboids, and from the middle trapezius covering them. There may be trigger points in all three layers. Other muscles that send pain to the inner edge of the shoulder blade include the scaliness, infraspinatus, latissimus dorsi, serratus anterior, and levitator scapulae," (85, The Trigger Point Therapy Workbook). 

"Buzz, I'm going through all your private stuff! You better come out and pound me!"

(So I just made the coolest discovery! You can import blog posts from one blog into another. For those of you who are interested in doing this too, click here for instructions.)

Because I want to share more of my health journey with all of you, I'm now willing to dig through the recesses of my private blog. Yes, I said it and I meant it—my private blog. Now you know this is a big deal. I thought it would be a good idea to share a little bit from my personal blog to fill in the blanks of my journey of finding out I had rheumatoid arthritis. This may be to help those of you who are searching for answers to your own health problems and it also may be to help others of you make important connections or get needed insight into your own lives. Whatever it be, may you find what you are looking for.

Here are the newly added posts from my personal blog:
Rheumatoid Arthritis: The Real Thing, Baby?
I Darn Well Better Create
Surpassing Gratitude
My New Favorite Medicine
More Answers
Miracle Waiting in the Wings
Fake It Till You Make It
June
Not for Long
Boy Meets Girl

It's Time

A few nights ago I was sitting on my couch in my warm, cozy living room, soaking in the still of the moment, and asked myself a question. "What would be your perfect career and how would you feel in it?" So I closed my eyes and let myself imagine. I felt purpose and a natural rhythm of moving and doing—I clearly knew. I had vision and pure intrinsic drive. I was in sync with my true self. I was helping people, coaching people, sharing my health journey. I was speaking and teaching and connecting with people. It felt energizing and exciting and rewarding! I felt fulfilled and creative and so happy. I was relaxed, having fun, and authentic. I was me!

This journey that started out as an experiment with a new way to eat to heal from rheumatoid arthritis quickly became a journey of self-discovery—a road to finding myself. Because of that, much of my time over the past 21 months has been spent quietly processing what I've been learning rather than publicly blogging about it like I'd planned. It's been a solitary journey. But after visualizing my dream career, it all went click-click-click in my brain, and I said aloud, "Is it time? Is it really time?!" Then I felt the freedom and joy of creating come back to me. I instantly knew I needed to blog my "I LOVE U" post that had been waiting for months. And then I flipped to a powerful journal entry I'd written while sitting on the lawn of the capitol, and so I made a separate post. I post-dated both entries so they'd authentically follow my timeline of health. And then I knew it had to be this way—I need to fill in the holes of the journey using my journals so it's as authentic as possible. I want you to feel like you're really on this journey with me, especially if you're seeking healing too. It'll give you a logical perspective of time, pain, foods, improvements, discoveries, and all the highs and lows. This feels good. It's time!

My journey is very personal to me, as I am sure your journey was/is/will be, but if my opening up and sharing can help even one of you, though it may leave me a little exposed and vulnerable, I know it will be worth it. Much of this journey has been to teach me to let go of worrying about what others think, so I guess this is putting that to the test. It's time to be real. It's time to be honest. It's time to let you all know that I'm just as flawed as you think you are, and I'm also just as divinely radiant, infinitely wise, and boldly courageous as you may not yet know you are. Isn't this exciting guys?! You too are on a path to become the person you were always meant to be! (I don't doubt there's a reason you're here on this blog right now, reading this post.) I want to shout all I've learned from the rooftops. I want to shout how grateful and joyful and blessed I am. But I guess for now this blog will suffice. One post at a time I'll share what I've learned.

Though nonconventional and nontraditional in every sense of the words, this journey to healing is undeniably real. I am walking, running, dancing proof that we can be healed if we are open and willing and believing.

Top 10 Ways to Leave RA in the Dust

        (Despite having leprosy, these men wore huge toothy grins. They were a huge      inspirations to me when I visited Egypt in November 2008.) 


WARNING: To begin this trek of leaving rheumatoid arthritis (RA) in the dust, I must give a disclaimer. This journey is not for the weak at heart. Your endurance is vital because this road follows the pace of nature. RA may overtake you periodically for a mile or two, but with a steady pace and a heart full of hope, you will achieve the victory—not only leaving RA behind forever, but in the process discovering a more fulfilling way of life and a better you.

1.      1. Take a deep breath. Release slowly. Take another deep breath and release. I can only imagine RA is the last thing you want for your life right now and it’s okay to mourn. The sadness is often fierce like a tidal wave. Most likely you have a lot on your plate already, so the RA is just the icing on the cake. Despite all the opposition, I believe in you. All of us who’ve come before are cheering you on.*

2.      2. Look in the mirror and decide that RA is not you. This is not the life you want. This is not the life you choose. You choose health and happiness. Your firm determination to leave RA in the dust despite all the naysayers may be the only thing that gets you through at times, so you must determine now who you are and what your future holds.

3.      3. Imagine yourself healthy. Visualize yourself doing something you love or just going about the normal routine. What does it feel like to move without pain? Do you feel happy and light, or maybe full of energy and gratitude? What would you be doing as a healthy person? Taking a walk through your neighborhood? Playing with your kids? Hiking up to a gorgeous overlook? Re-create these feelings daily and keep visualizing the health you will once again have.

4.      4. Take responsibility for your health. Know that you ultimately are in control. You can undo whatever’s been done. Believe it and own it. You can blame your dead great-grandmother all you want for passing on her RA genes, but it will only create bad energy and make you feel worse. Taking responsibility for your health is empowering and liberating and will fuel you forward in your journey to health.

5.      5. Decide that your health is worth the price. You literally can’t put a price tag on your health. Health most likely is a top priority in your life now that you have RA, even if it wasn’t before, but you must believe that you are worth the cost. If you decide now that you are deserving of health, the money will find it’s way to you. It happened to me time and time again in moving and often baffling ways. Where there’s a will there’s a way.

6.      6. Know that you most definitely are going to get better if you make time for your health. This means proactively helping your body, mind, & spirit heal through diet, exercise, processing & releasing emotions, and other natural means. Learn from the pace of Mother Nature. By healing naturally you will be healing from the inside out in lasting ways, rather than masking outward physical pain with medication and ignoring the inner workings of your mind and spirit. Believe me, a year from now you are going to be saying that RA was the best thing that ever happened to you because it opened your eyes to what was out of balance in your life and forced you to change. I for one admit I probably would’ve have changed if I weren’t in excruciating pain.

7.      7. Release all fear. Journal it out of you, scream it out to the empty air around you, tell your sorrow to a patient, empathetic loved one. Whatever you do, get the fear out through written or verbal words. I remember how scared I felt after talking with doctors and well-meaning people with RA. Most of them counseled me to hit it hard at the beginning or I’d end up with joint damage. I felt like I was literally in bondage to RA and the medications until I decided to put my trust in my higher source—Jesus Christ. Decide what or who your higher source is, put your faith in that source, and then together determine the best course of action for you. Even after deciding to go the natural route and putting my trust in God, I most definitely had wavering moments where I’d stare fearfully at my fingers, wondering if I was already getting joint damage. But once I better understood that I was responsible for creating my RA (maybe a new concept to you, so please don’t throw rocks), my sense of empowerment and control increased, and I knew that there was nothing to be afraid of if I continued to proactively care for my body, mind, & spirit. My goal was total healing, and I knew there was no room for fear of the unknown (i.e., joint damage) in that mix.

8.      8. Keep releasing your negative emotions as they come up. Every emotion you bottle up inside stays inside and contributes to your ill health. If you’re not at all able to identify your emotions let alone feel comfortable expressing them, join the club! Does that make you feel better or what? All I can say is, you will be amazed at how self-aware you will become. I never gave my feelings a second thought, because I’d been trained to pretend they didn’t exist, but now I am instantly aware if a conversation makes me feel like I’m not good enough or left out or angry. I do my best to process those emotions so I know why I felt that way and then clear myself of all negative feelings that are weighing me down.

9.      9. Eat foods that are fresh, whole, and as natural as possible. Start to pay attention to how you feel after eating certain foods to know what to eliminate. If it grew out of the ground, you’re probably safe to eat it. If it's been processed and preserved, I'd probably pass. The better the foods you put into your body, the easier it is for your body to heal.

10  10. Do what you love. There may be some things you can’t do right now because of your health, but focus on what you can do and make time for it. For your sanity and for the health of your body, mind, & spirit, set time aside for you to feel joy in the lifestyle you are currently living. I admit this was very hard for me at first because it felt like I couldn’t do anything I loved like yoga and rock climbing and traveling. I loved to write, but some days my fingers hurt too bad to hold a pen, but I did the best I could. I went on walks even if my feet were cursing at me—much slower walks, of course, but I still got outside and found something I loved. I took up gardening for the first time, and it is so symbolic and dear to me now. Find your own new source of joy.

*Future blog posts will dig deeper into each of these 10 ways to leave RA in the dust.

I LOVE U

My fingers woke up stiff as usual, but the right pointer, pinky, and thumb have stayed swollen and unbendable all day. As I was getting in my car to head to work, I was inspecting my right hand, and the message suddenly jumped out at me. In my fingers' stiffness they were spelling out I LOVE YOU.

A Pause in a Day of RA

7:15 p.m.
Capitol Hill

Was driving up State Street, seeing the majestic capitol up ahead. I thought of the memorable summer days when I came up here to run or sit on the grass. So, split-second decision and here I am, still broken physically but filling my spiritual reserve. My foot will absorb Mother Nature's nurturing energy and no longer feel like a stone block. It's been a rough today.

I don't want to walk anymore, my feet hurt so bad. It hurts to write, so I'm holding my pen differently. Usually my finger stops being swollen a few hours after I wake up, but not today. The "guilt muscle" in my back just started hurting. I am unhappy with my institute class. I spent all morning reading the wrong assignment. I bought the wrong textbook. I just feel crappy, and my head hurts. I want my healthy feet back! I need to call the acupuncture people. I also need a massage. I don't know if waking up at 5 a.m. was the best thing today when I have a class that goes till 7 p.m. I need a heavenly hug.

The Madeleine Cathedral bells are ringing. Small winged bugs keep landing on my arms. The light breeze is barely rustling my hair. I'm in the shade. What a beautiful time of day.

For some reason I let myself be controlled by culture—seasons, in particular, and school beginning. Just because school's started doesn't mean I bury all lessons learned about fun and spontaneity. I'm taking my life back. There's a large bearded man speaking Chinese (I think) at the top of his voice and walking this way. But I know I'm safe. He reminds me of Hagrid.

I release all guilt for not being perfect. I release all guilt for not being a better friend and for not doing my iStar work today. I forgive myself for setting me up for failure. I forgive myself for having expectations that aren't humanly possible.

Hagrid is stumbling closer and yelling louder, so I think my time has come.

What do you want?

How many of you have heard the phrase, "Ask and you shall receive"? Maybe the better question is, how many times have you hard the phrase, "Ask and you shall receive"? And how many of you sometimes sit baffled, skeptical, or indifferent when you hear those words? Like you're missing a vital piece of the equation. Like you must not be worthy of what you want because you sure have not gotten it and have actually stopped asking. Like it just must not be something you'll ever have, so you should just accept it.

Some people say "It's all in the Lord's timing," to make themselves feel better that they haven't gotten what they wanted. Sure. That's an easy excuse. (Sorry to be harsh.) Do you really think a loving God would withhold a righteous desire from you? Instead of saying "the Lord's timing" we should say, it's our timing—we're not yet in a place to receive. What it really comes down to is, do you truly believe that you can have what you're asking for? Now I know your initial response may be to get frustrated and start flinging your sweat & tears at me—I've been there plenty of times myself, so please feel my support, but again, if we've heard the scriptural phrase, "Ask and you shall receive," hundred upon hundred times, it must be important and true. So let's do a little experiment, since that's what this blog is all about anyway, right?

Think about something you really want. You don't just want this if it's convenient, you want this no matter what. This could be physical health, freedom from an addiction, an iPod, peace of mind, some good lovin', thick healthy hair, a new dress, piano lessons for your son, or a dream job. What do you want more than anything?

Now, think about how much you believe you can have this desire. I'm not asking if you deserve this desire, I'm asking if you believe that you can have it. At this point logic often starts to creep in. "Well, I've had bunions for 12 years, so I don't really believe they'll ever go away. And they're hereditary, so I'm stuck with them no matter how much I want them gone," or "I have no clue how I'd be able to afford piano lessons for Joey. We're barely scraping by each month, and I don't see how any extra money will be coming in," or "I've survived my job this long, I guess it's not so bad. I should just feel lucky to even have a job." What do we call these? Cop outs!! Dig deep. Keep going. If belief is your roadblock, now you know where to put your attention.

The desires of your heart and your beliefs must be on the same vibration for you to get what you desire. What does this mean? This means that your desires and your faith must match in strength or you will never get what you want. You either (1) don't believe that it's possible even though you have a lot of desire or (2) don't want it enough even though your faith is strong. Or (3) you have neither strong enough faith nor adequate desire yet. Again, please don't throw rocks until you've processed this information and experimented with it in your own life. Desires are realized at different speeds depending on where we are on the spectrum of belief and the spectrum of desire.

One more fascinating thing to consider: like attracts like. When I said that our desires and beliefs must be on the same vibration for us to get our desire, our thoughts and words must be focusing on what we want, not on what we don't have (i.e., focusing on how fat you are instead of on how you're going to get thinner: "I'm so fat. Nothing fits. Oh my gosh, my hips are so huge. I wish I were as skinny as Sheila," vs. "I'm ready to eat healthier because I deserve to look good and feel good. I look so much healthier than last month! I love myself for being determined to change.") Whatever you put your attention on, you will get—either exactly what you desire or more longing for what you don't have. It's up to you.

For me this part is especially hard because I sometimes feel like I'm flat-out lying to myself. If my whole body aches and I can't move my arm without shooting pain, do you honestly think it's easy to tell myself I'm getting healthier and that my hard work is paying off? Number one, I didn't say it was easy. But it is actually pretty comical at times—I love telling myself that I am the healthiest I've ever been when I'm lying in bed because my hip joints are in so much pain. But even better than being comical at times, it works. I've experienced it. Even this morning I had a good long talk with myself about some emotional issues from last night that triggered pain in my hip and elbow. To be honest, I dread those self-talks. Why? Because it means work and change and doing hard things. It means doing things I don't always want to do, like confronting my inner demons. But if I remind myself that I am working through emotions to keep my body from hurting and to ultimately get what I want, it's not brainwashing or telling lies to myself—it's ultimately focusing on what I want rather than on what I don't want. It's making my beliefs and desires strong enough that by natural law—God's universal laws—I have to get what I desire.