5 years ago . . .

Five years ago I was given a unique opportunity to make a miracle happen. Five years ago I didn't know how deep my gratitude could reach and how much light and knowledge and truth could be mine. Five years ago I didn't yet know just how quickly my life could be turned upside down. And even at my own bidding! Because five years ago—in January 2010—I'd declared it the YEAR of HEALTH. Oh the irony. Sometimes it has to get pretty dark before the sun shines in again, but then, if you can wait it out and hold on with hope, it shines brighter than ever before. To get the health I desired I had to first be totally incapacitated. But at the time I didn't realize that my life was actually being flipped right side up.

Five years ago today I walked into a rheumatologist's office for the first time. She painted a picture of a life I didn't want. I wore orthotics and used a handicap parking pass. Sometimes I couldn't flip the blinker on or turn the gas cap of my car. I wanted more. I prayed for more. And I searched and searched until I got more.

Five years ago I was led like I've never been led. Friends, friends of friends, sisters of friends, coworkers of friends, and total strangers gave me the answers I didn't know were the answers.

Five years ago next month I went to lunch with Emily, and she told me about her grandpa with cancer who'd kept on living. I asked her endlessly, and she told me all she knew about choosing foods that were more alkaline—a 20/80 goal—to fuel my body with what it needed most in such a weak state. Plant-based and preservative-free. So I did what she said.

Five years ago I started listening. Listening to my body. Listening to my spirit. Relistening to the CDs of The Omnivore's Dilemma. And listening to the wisdom of people past and present. I remembered that I'd been told my whole life to "eat meat sparingly" and eat "every herb in the season thereof; and every fruit in the season thereof." Five years ago I started to eat real food—the stuff God made.

Five years ago I cried with joy in my discoveries. I dug deep into Chinese medicine and learned about the emotions behind illnesses. Get this. I learned that my colon's role to hold onto nutrients and let go of waste is directly tied to my emotional ability to hold onto and let go of—to let go of the past, to let go of anger, to forgive, and to hold onto the good. Every organ and every system functions according to my emotional health. If my emotions are smothered and ignored, my physical body becomes imbalanced and sick. Five years ago I couldn't get enough of this learning. Five years ago I stepped into a world of endless possibility and total accountability. Five years ago I learned I could change my reality and I could create a new future for myself.

I am forever grateful for five years ago and everything in between. It has been a health journey. A health scavenger hunt. A test beyond all tests. I am grateful for my miraculous body, the drive to keep asking, the inspiration (i.e., partial insanity) to follow, and the amazing people along the way who have changed me forever—body, mind, and spirit.

The Sky, Day & Night

Ever felt like there wasn't enough space inside you to take in what your eyes were seeing? At approximately 2:15 p.m. I was sitting under the sun in the 32-degree air, soaking in the skyline of snow-peaked mountains and never-ending billowy white clouds. That brilliant sky held so many memories, and the light above felt like a longed-for-friend I hadn't even let myself hope of seeing so soon. My eyes weren't expansive enough to capture it all at once. I tried to take deeper, more thoughtful breathes and slow my mind, but I wanted it all at once. My spreading grin and fixed gaze were proclaiming what my mind was repeating, "This is my world! I live in the most beautiful place on earth!" I think the chorus of clouds was shouting joyfully back at me. I'm pretty sure I heard them.

The only true reason I would upgrade my phone is to have a constant camera on hand to capture (or attempt to capture) moments like this to share them with you. So since I don't have a picture to describe this post, close your eyes and remember what your most beautiful sky looks like. Hopefully it was today's.

And then there was the night sky on the drive home, up State to the capitol and single-file down to Beck Street. It again took my breathe away, and I was squealing with joy! And again I was exclaiming, "I live in the most beautiful place ever!" I was laughing with joy and glancing from the sky to the road and back again. The deep swirling blues met the horizon with a joyful orange that lit up the mountain silhouettes. The city lights sparkled far below, and it was pure joy. Just me and joy in my car, sharing the moment, just like C. S. Lewis talks about. Oh! And the moon! I almost forgot. It was a perfect bright sliver below the shadow of the whole.

PS: Joy came to me earlier today too. Regan, my acupuncturist, evaluated my progress and informed me that instead of coming once a week, I need only come once a month now!! After seeing him for 5 months, first twice a week and then the last month once a week, I'm now at 75% health. 100% here I come!

Sciatic Nerve Pain

Sunday morning I was sitting at my computer looking up a certain pair of shoes on my TOMS wishlist. You know, just for fun. Just because I can't get enough of 'em. There's a pair I've been wanting, but I've been indecisive about forking out the money and if I really "need" them. In my little head I was thinking, "Hmm, I don't know if I should order these yet. Based on the reviews they're sized too big because they're linen instead of canvas. If I order the wrong size I'll have to pay even more to exchange them. And I don't have the money just yet anyway. And, Katie, do you really need them? There's still snow on the ground!" Yadda, yadda. I was fretting and killing the joy out of my beautiful shoes! I was being indecisive and downplaying my desires. When I stood up my sciatic nerve shot pain down my butt and the back of my leg, and that's when it started. My TOMS shoes were the straw that broke the camel's back. Hmm, I'm not sure I'm liking this parallel. Hah! But as I mentioned, this TOMS situation was just the breaking point—the prior week had really put me to the test with opportunities to open up to my creative abilities, to the incoming flow of money, and to possibilities of love, and I'd started out strong but then buckled, feeling a lot of fear, self-doubt, and insecurity about my abilities.

Here are the basics of what sciatica is and what it may infer physically, mentally, and emotionally.

The sciatic nerve is the longest nerve in the today and goes from the spine through the gluteus maximus and hip area down the back of the leg. It is located along the Bladder Meridian and near the Sacral Chakra, which is the 2nd chakra. It may also take in emotions associated with the Root Chakra, the 1st chakra.

Bladder Meridian
Common ailments associated with blocked energy in this meridian include the following:

•  Eye diseases  
•  Problems with the spine  
•  Ear problems  
•  Lumbago & sciatica  
•  Headaches  
•  Sexual organ dysfunctions 
•  Sinusitis  
•  Chronic cystitis  
•  Hemorrhoids 

See the picture above for an image of the Bladder Meridian. Psychologically the Bladder Meridian is associated with frustration, restlessness, impatience, and resisting change.

Sacral Chakra (2nd chakra)

•  Lessons related to sexuality, work, and physical desire. 
•  Immune system, rectum, feet, legs, bones, base of spine, physical body support.
•  Physical dysfunctions in lower back, sciatica, pelvic area, sexual function, urinary tract.
•  Mental & emotional issues with creativity, blame, guilt, money, sex, power, control. 

Root Chakra (1st chakra)

•  Lessons related to material world.
•  Sexual organs, large intestine, lower vertebrae, pelvis, appendix, bladder, hip area
•  Physical dysfunctions in lower back, sciatica, varicose veins, rectal tumors/cancer, immune-related disorders, depression.
•  Mental & emotional issues with family safety & security, ability to provide for life's necessities, ability to stand up for self, feeling at home, social & familial law and order.

Emotional Connections to Sciatica

•  Mental anxieties regarding creative abilities. 
•  Over concern of money issues.
•  Sexual frustration. 
•  Disregarding your own desires.
•  Being indecisive. 
•  Fear of money and the future.
•  Powerlessnes or giving your power away to someone or something.

I knew some of these emotional connections before, but now it totally makes sense why I am so incapacitated at the moment! Let me remind you that the past two weeks I've been intensely—and I mean day and night, conscious and unconscious—clearing all of the negative emotions and thought patterns that have been holding me back from the things I want most in my life—(1) to meet and marry the man of my dreams, (2) to embrace my creativity and support myself as an artist, and (2) to be financially free—and it just so happens that ALL of these desires of my heart are surrounding creative energy and the same emotional blockages centered in the sciatic nerve area of the body. Nice one, Katie. I'm so sorry little body of mine! I had no idea I was asking so much of you. I've had on and off sciatic nerve pain the past couple months, but nothing that's ever lasted 5 days, no sitting, no bending. This has gotta be one of the biggest blocks I've experienced, which can only mean one thing. All my dreams are about to come true!!!

(For more information about the topics mentioned above, refer to Feelings Buried Alive Never Die, You Can Heal Your Life, Quick Reference Guide for Using Essential Oils, Anatomy of the Spirit, Sacred Contracts, and http://www.sri.new-planet.net/Meridian_System.php.)

The Pursuit of Joy

In the context of JOY, this speaks volumes.

Even though at the end of December my heart sung out that 2012 was my year of joy, and I was all pumped and ready to let the good times roll, I sure wasn't warned that in order for me to feel joy I have to change to allow it in. Change takes a lot of patience. A lot of self-care and quiet alone time to hear your spirit, or inner voice or higher self, whisper the answers, and even though I thought it would be easy to feel joy, the past few weeks have been reminding me that deep within I'm blocking it for some reason.

I thought I'd share a quick glimpse into this morning of my joints, which are my faithful reminders of how I need to change. Today they reminded me that I am not as joyful as I thought. Hah! If I'm not a happy person, I don't know what that makes some of you. (I hope that made you laugh, because I'm sure laughing!)

I woke up to stiff fingers, so I verbally released the need to control the details of life. I replaced those feelings with trust in God that He will take care of the details of life. That verbal clearing of emotions released the pain and stiffness from most of my fingers, so I went a little deeper to release more of the pain.

My right pinky in particular has been my trouble spot the past week and a half. It's tied to the Heart meridian and the ability to forgive. Each of us is made up of a balance of feminine and masculine energy—yin and yang, respectively—which govern the left and the right side of our body. So when I have blockages, or pain on the right side of my body, it is usually an imbalance of my masculine energy—pretty much an unresolved run-in with a guy. So to release the stiffness in my right pinky I sat and brainstormed men I needed to forgive. After a few minutes of verbally forgiving the men who came to mind it worked and I could bend my pinky. (The pinky pain is actually starting to come back though, so looks like I didn't do a thorough enough job. I was sort of in a hurry to get my day going, as some of you might be able to relate to.)

Then there's my right wrist, or actually a tiny bone right above that knob we call a wrist bone. I took a picture of it (below) so you can sort of see how there's a bump above my right wrist that shouldn't be there. It's really swollen and painful today, so I know this is my priority. Clearing all these painful emotions sometimes feels like a chore chart, which honestly sucks the joy out of healing.

Left wrist, no extra bump. 

 Right wrist, swollen extra bump.

And while we're on the topic of sucking the joy out of life, let's talk about how as I was awkwardly taking these pictures with my left hand and a hurt right wrist, trying to hurry before the camera battery died, my cute lime green tea kettle started whistling. I was trying to ignore it to get these pictures right and then my joy muscle in my back started throbbing!! Talk about hilarious. (Click here if you haven't read about the joy muscle yet.) Who else is lucky enough to have their body inflict instant pain to tell them to chill and just enjoy the moment? I know a few of you lucky RA folk who do, but I guarantee that the more you become aware of your emotions, all of you will start to feel your body talking to you. Maybe you ate too much and now your stomach is in pain. What is your body telling you? Or maybe you've been racing around all day trying to get everything done and now you have a monster headache, or maybe you lost your temper and were short with a loved one, and now you feel restless and guilty. We all have bodies that talk to us, but some of us just have chosen to ignore them long enough that now they scream at us the instant our emotions are off balance.

Back to the wrist. This wrist bone is part of the Small Intestine meridian, which is our meridian of joy. Starting to see a pattern here? When there's blockage in our Small Intestine meridian it's often associated with sadness, grief, and despair. Dating is the current culprit, as well as another big issue that's caused a lot of sadness in my life, so I'm dreading going deeper here because I know it won't be as easy. It'll probably take a few solid hours of prayer, meditation, scripture reading, yoga, nature, and any other way I feel led to fill my Mind, Body, & Spirit with light. Most days I can't dedicate solid hours to my health, but today it's important enough that I am going to. I truly believe (at least right now while I'm at a semi-positive place) that I can find joy in dating and be incredibly happy once I shift my perspective and release some false beliefs that are holding me back.

A week ago I was not so positive and luckily had Sam to vent to. Venting was the first step for me to get back up again, then I did a chakra meditation (I'll share part of this in another post) that shifted my attitude completely, and then I turned my heart to Christ for probably the hundred millionth time. Every time it's like, "Oh, yeah. You're here. I forgot I don't have to do this all myself!" Then the clouds part and the fog lifts and I can go a little further again.