A Pause in a Day of RA

7:15 p.m.
Capitol Hill

Was driving up State Street, seeing the majestic capitol up ahead. I thought of the memorable summer days when I came up here to run or sit on the grass. So, split-second decision and here I am, still broken physically but filling my spiritual reserve. My foot will absorb Mother Nature's nurturing energy and no longer feel like a stone block. It's been a rough today.

I don't want to walk anymore, my feet hurt so bad. It hurts to write, so I'm holding my pen differently. Usually my finger stops being swollen a few hours after I wake up, but not today. The "guilt muscle" in my back just started hurting. I am unhappy with my institute class. I spent all morning reading the wrong assignment. I bought the wrong textbook. I just feel crappy, and my head hurts. I want my healthy feet back! I need to call the acupuncture people. I also need a massage. I don't know if waking up at 5 a.m. was the best thing today when I have a class that goes till 7 p.m. I need a heavenly hug.

The Madeleine Cathedral bells are ringing. Small winged bugs keep landing on my arms. The light breeze is barely rustling my hair. I'm in the shade. What a beautiful time of day.

For some reason I let myself be controlled by culture—seasons, in particular, and school beginning. Just because school's started doesn't mean I bury all lessons learned about fun and spontaneity. I'm taking my life back. There's a large bearded man speaking Chinese (I think) at the top of his voice and walking this way. But I know I'm safe. He reminds me of Hagrid.

I release all guilt for not being perfect. I release all guilt for not being a better friend and for not doing my iStar work today. I forgive myself for setting me up for failure. I forgive myself for having expectations that aren't humanly possible.

Hagrid is stumbling closer and yelling louder, so I think my time has come.