Mud Pie in the Eye

Those of you who know me well are quite aware that I'm not one to take "no" for an answer and that I vehemently live by the phrase "where there's a will there's a way." I just believe. It comes from somewhere deep within that I can't always explain. Strength or weakness of mine? It all depends on how you choose to look at it.

But as of late I've been hitting a brick wall of sorts with my faith. Here's the conclusion I've come to: It's easy for me to have faith that something will happen if it's ultimately for someone else's good. My prayers are unstoppable when I am praying for other people. You want your baby to sleep through the night? Just let me know, and I'll get on that. When I ask God for a way to help others, the answers come instantly. So why do I often feel a block when it comes to asking for what I want and need?

When I first was diagnosed with RA I told God that this was not the life for me. Why? Because I was meant to be out in the world helping people. I wanted to be healed so that I could serve others. That's a great reason, and I feel lots of passion about that cause, but what about wanting to be healed because I simply care about my own well-being? What about feeling deserving of health simply because I am a divine daughter of an immortal, all-knowing, all-powerful Creator?

In a previous post called What do you want? I wrote about how we sometimes ask for what we want but aren't in a place to receive it. The past few weeks this has been reinforced to me but with one additional piece. If I want something, I need to start by asking to be shown what is keeping me from getting it. Most of the time that blockage comes from within ourselves. This brings the responsibility back to us, empowers us (and sometimes frustrates us at the same time), and shows us how we need to change so that THEN we can receive the desires of our hearts.

So simple, right? So easy? Piece of cake. Piece of cake! . . . Well, in this case I am the first to say after what I've experienced the past few weeks, it is no piece of cake. It's more like a mud pie in the face, up your nose, and in your eyes. It's no joyride to see your weaknesses magnified or to realize that you have emotional walls up that must come down in order to have what you're asking for. It can make you feel like you went one step forward only to fall twenty steps backward down a flight of stairs.

Here's what I was most pleasantly shown this week. (By the way, sometimes I feel like the ultimate guinea pig by putting all my gunk out here in cyberspace, but time and time again I feel like it's time to share what I'm learning.) I've been listening to a series of Unlimited Abundance CDs that have been helping me know what to clear up in my own life. So I've been asking God (or the Universe or whoever your Higher Power is), "What would it take to . . . (fill in the blank with what you want in your life)?" and then asking God to clear, delete, destroy, and uncreate whatever in my belief patterns is keeping me from this.

So for example I've been saying, "What would it take to love myself enough to feel deserving of joy?" and then "Whatever is keeping me from this, I delete, destroy, and uncreate." When I do this I am visualizing this power to delete, destroy, and uncreate coming from the pure light of Christ, or Source Energy—the source of all power, all light, and all love. I literally am visualizing His light shining down on me and taking my gunk away. Personalize this however you feel comfortable.

I started out super gung-ho listening to these CDs, thinking, "Man, it's going to be awesome to finally feel worthy of joy in my life! Bring it on!" I felt energized and could already feel the abundance coming into my life. I just knew it would happen. (Don't forget I am a recovering perfectionist who still thinks she's somewhat super human.) On days five and six of listening to the CDs I felt a sudden shift happen in me and saw small signs of the blessings that were to come—more passion for my thesis research, waking up to a flood of art ideas, art canvases I'd been wanting on sale for 50% off, winning a $50 Visa gift card, a loved one suddenly connecting with me more, amazing boys coming out of the wood work, my body feeling healthier and me running again, being on the front page of the paper and the next day a random guy emailing me because he saw the paper and thought I was cute. Over all I was feeling wide open to receiving! I thought, "This is easier than I thought. I do feel deserving of this!"

Sound pretty good? Can you see me standing there with arms out-stretched to the sky, awaiting the flood of love and joy and resources and health? Eyes closed and a big smile on my face, just waiting to be given all that yummy goodness.

Then came the mud pies. Multiple mud pies. Hard and fast, pelting my face one after another. I didn't know it would sting so bad. I didn't know I would be yelling, "Retreat!" after the first 5 seconds and then feel like crap for days. I was asking to be shown my baggage, but holy cow I did not even realize what my baggage was until I got it right in the face. Things I didn't know I felt, not to mention magnified—mud pie handed to you is definitely not as up close and personal as mud pie in your eye! One of the biggest mud pies thrown at me was fear of rejection. I had no idea. Feeling that intense fear made me want to curl up in the fetal position and say good-bye to all my hopes and dreams. I was literally thinking, "Um, so I take it back. My life is great. I don't need love or joy or health or money after all. I'm good. This unbearable pain is just not worth it."

Now do you think I'm going to be as willing to stand there with my arms out-stretched again? You may call me a gluten for punishment, but what other choice do I have? We choose to either stay in our bubble that's comfortable but maybe slightly miserable and unfulfilling, or to grow despite the mud up the nose from time to time. If I can offer any solace to both you and me, after the past year and a half of this journey it's getting easier to face my baggage. Not easy but easier. Why? Because I'm getting better at giving all my burdens to the Lord and asking for exactly what I need. I love myself more, so I'm more confident to unload on Him. We can connect to our Higher Power 24-7 and by so doing feel an outpouring of unconditional love and healing light from the True Source. He lives to bless us with love and grant our heart's desires, to wipe our tears away and comfort us, to calm our troubled hearts and listen to our complaints (see "I Know that My Redeemer Lives" Text © 1775 Samuel Medley)—there is nothing too small; there is nothing too big. He lives for us!

So many times throughout this healing journey I've wanted to turn back, run, hide, curl up in a ball, and beg, "Please! No more mud pies to the face!" but then what is this life for? This post may be more for me than you— I sure do need a good cheering squad right now. At about noon today my sciatica started screaming for attention, and in a matter of minutes it became super painful to sit and walk. I shouldn't be surprised since I asked to be blatantly shown all my unresolved issues, but about now I'm pleading, "Please take this away! When will this pain end? I've tried everything. What am I missing?" I still have so much to learn. So now it's time for me to slow down even more and humbly listen. I'll let you know what I hear.