The Sky, Day & Night

Ever felt like there wasn't enough space inside you to take in what your eyes were seeing? At approximately 2:15 p.m. I was sitting under the sun in the 32-degree air, soaking in the skyline of snow-peaked mountains and never-ending billowy white clouds. That brilliant sky held so many memories, and the light above felt like a longed-for-friend I hadn't even let myself hope of seeing so soon. My eyes weren't expansive enough to capture it all at once. I tried to take deeper, more thoughtful breathes and slow my mind, but I wanted it all at once. My spreading grin and fixed gaze were proclaiming what my mind was repeating, "This is my world! I live in the most beautiful place on earth!" I think the chorus of clouds was shouting joyfully back at me. I'm pretty sure I heard them.

The only true reason I would upgrade my phone is to have a constant camera on hand to capture (or attempt to capture) moments like this to share them with you. So since I don't have a picture to describe this post, close your eyes and remember what your most beautiful sky looks like. Hopefully it was today's.

And then there was the night sky on the drive home, up State to the capitol and single-file down to Beck Street. It again took my breathe away, and I was squealing with joy! And again I was exclaiming, "I live in the most beautiful place ever!" I was laughing with joy and glancing from the sky to the road and back again. The deep swirling blues met the horizon with a joyful orange that lit up the mountain silhouettes. The city lights sparkled far below, and it was pure joy. Just me and joy in my car, sharing the moment, just like C. S. Lewis talks about. Oh! And the moon! I almost forgot. It was a perfect bright sliver below the shadow of the whole.

PS: Joy came to me earlier today too. Regan, my acupuncturist, evaluated my progress and informed me that instead of coming once a week, I need only come once a month now!! After seeing him for 5 months, first twice a week and then the last month once a week, I'm now at 75% health. 100% here I come!

P.S.

My TOMS arrived today! They are more adorable than I could've imagined, and I am so incredibly happy to have them on my feet at last. Without a doubt, they were meant for me. No regrets except that I wish I hadn't freaked out a few weeks ago (see last post) and delayed the ordering process. Lesson learned. The shoes actually are a little big even though I ordered a half size smaller, as recommended by the reviewers because this style is linen instead of canvas. No big deal. Now that I see them for myself, paying the shipping to exchange them is definitely worth it.

In case you're interested, I ended up finding a promo code here to get $5 off all TOMS shoes.

Sciatic Nerve Pain

Sunday morning I was sitting at my computer looking up a certain pair of shoes on my TOMS wishlist. You know, just for fun. Just because I can't get enough of 'em. There's a pair I've been wanting, but I've been indecisive about forking out the money and if I really "need" them. In my little head I was thinking, "Hmm, I don't know if I should order these yet. Based on the reviews they're sized too big because they're linen instead of canvas. If I order the wrong size I'll have to pay even more to exchange them. And I don't have the money just yet anyway. And, Katie, do you really need them? There's still snow on the ground!" Yadda, yadda. I was fretting and killing the joy out of my beautiful shoes! I was being indecisive and downplaying my desires. When I stood up my sciatic nerve shot pain down my butt and the back of my leg, and that's when it started. My TOMS shoes were the straw that broke the camel's back. Hmm, I'm not sure I'm liking this parallel. Hah! But as I mentioned, this TOMS situation was just the breaking point—the prior week had really put me to the test with opportunities to open up to my creative abilities, to the incoming flow of money, and to possibilities of love, and I'd started out strong but then buckled, feeling a lot of fear, self-doubt, and insecurity about my abilities.

Here are the basics of what sciatica is and what it may infer physically, mentally, and emotionally.

The sciatic nerve is the longest nerve in the today and goes from the spine through the gluteus maximus and hip area down the back of the leg. It is located along the Bladder Meridian and near the Sacral Chakra, which is the 2nd chakra. It may also take in emotions associated with the Root Chakra, the 1st chakra.

Bladder Meridian
Common ailments associated with blocked energy in this meridian include the following:

•  Eye diseases  
•  Problems with the spine  
•  Ear problems  
•  Lumbago & sciatica  
•  Headaches  
•  Sexual organ dysfunctions 
•  Sinusitis  
•  Chronic cystitis  
•  Hemorrhoids 

See the picture above for an image of the Bladder Meridian. Psychologically the Bladder Meridian is associated with frustration, restlessness, impatience, and resisting change.

Sacral Chakra (2nd chakra)

•  Lessons related to sexuality, work, and physical desire. 
•  Immune system, rectum, feet, legs, bones, base of spine, physical body support.
•  Physical dysfunctions in lower back, sciatica, pelvic area, sexual function, urinary tract.
•  Mental & emotional issues with creativity, blame, guilt, money, sex, power, control. 

Root Chakra (1st chakra)

•  Lessons related to material world.
•  Sexual organs, large intestine, lower vertebrae, pelvis, appendix, bladder, hip area
•  Physical dysfunctions in lower back, sciatica, varicose veins, rectal tumors/cancer, immune-related disorders, depression.
•  Mental & emotional issues with family safety & security, ability to provide for life's necessities, ability to stand up for self, feeling at home, social & familial law and order.

Emotional Connections to Sciatica

•  Mental anxieties regarding creative abilities. 
•  Over concern of money issues.
•  Sexual frustration. 
•  Disregarding your own desires.
•  Being indecisive. 
•  Fear of money and the future.
•  Powerlessnes or giving your power away to someone or something.

I knew some of these emotional connections before, but now it totally makes sense why I am so incapacitated at the moment! Let me remind you that the past two weeks I've been intensely—and I mean day and night, conscious and unconscious—clearing all of the negative emotions and thought patterns that have been holding me back from the things I want most in my life—(1) to meet and marry the man of my dreams, (2) to embrace my creativity and support myself as an artist, and (2) to be financially free—and it just so happens that ALL of these desires of my heart are surrounding creative energy and the same emotional blockages centered in the sciatic nerve area of the body. Nice one, Katie. I'm so sorry little body of mine! I had no idea I was asking so much of you. I've had on and off sciatic nerve pain the past couple months, but nothing that's ever lasted 5 days, no sitting, no bending. This has gotta be one of the biggest blocks I've experienced, which can only mean one thing. All my dreams are about to come true!!!

(For more information about the topics mentioned above, refer to Feelings Buried Alive Never Die, You Can Heal Your Life, Quick Reference Guide for Using Essential Oils, Anatomy of the Spirit, Sacred Contracts, and http://www.sri.new-planet.net/Meridian_System.php.)

Mud Pie in the Eye

Those of you who know me well are quite aware that I'm not one to take "no" for an answer and that I vehemently live by the phrase "where there's a will there's a way." I just believe. It comes from somewhere deep within that I can't always explain. Strength or weakness of mine? It all depends on how you choose to look at it.

But as of late I've been hitting a brick wall of sorts with my faith. Here's the conclusion I've come to: It's easy for me to have faith that something will happen if it's ultimately for someone else's good. My prayers are unstoppable when I am praying for other people. You want your baby to sleep through the night? Just let me know, and I'll get on that. When I ask God for a way to help others, the answers come instantly. So why do I often feel a block when it comes to asking for what I want and need?

When I first was diagnosed with RA I told God that this was not the life for me. Why? Because I was meant to be out in the world helping people. I wanted to be healed so that I could serve others. That's a great reason, and I feel lots of passion about that cause, but what about wanting to be healed because I simply care about my own well-being? What about feeling deserving of health simply because I am a divine daughter of an immortal, all-knowing, all-powerful Creator?

In a previous post called What do you want? I wrote about how we sometimes ask for what we want but aren't in a place to receive it. The past few weeks this has been reinforced to me but with one additional piece. If I want something, I need to start by asking to be shown what is keeping me from getting it. Most of the time that blockage comes from within ourselves. This brings the responsibility back to us, empowers us (and sometimes frustrates us at the same time), and shows us how we need to change so that THEN we can receive the desires of our hearts.

So simple, right? So easy? Piece of cake. Piece of cake! . . . Well, in this case I am the first to say after what I've experienced the past few weeks, it is no piece of cake. It's more like a mud pie in the face, up your nose, and in your eyes. It's no joyride to see your weaknesses magnified or to realize that you have emotional walls up that must come down in order to have what you're asking for. It can make you feel like you went one step forward only to fall twenty steps backward down a flight of stairs.

Here's what I was most pleasantly shown this week. (By the way, sometimes I feel like the ultimate guinea pig by putting all my gunk out here in cyberspace, but time and time again I feel like it's time to share what I'm learning.) I've been listening to a series of Unlimited Abundance CDs that have been helping me know what to clear up in my own life. So I've been asking God (or the Universe or whoever your Higher Power is), "What would it take to . . . (fill in the blank with what you want in your life)?" and then asking God to clear, delete, destroy, and uncreate whatever in my belief patterns is keeping me from this.

So for example I've been saying, "What would it take to love myself enough to feel deserving of joy?" and then "Whatever is keeping me from this, I delete, destroy, and uncreate." When I do this I am visualizing this power to delete, destroy, and uncreate coming from the pure light of Christ, or Source Energy—the source of all power, all light, and all love. I literally am visualizing His light shining down on me and taking my gunk away. Personalize this however you feel comfortable.

I started out super gung-ho listening to these CDs, thinking, "Man, it's going to be awesome to finally feel worthy of joy in my life! Bring it on!" I felt energized and could already feel the abundance coming into my life. I just knew it would happen. (Don't forget I am a recovering perfectionist who still thinks she's somewhat super human.) On days five and six of listening to the CDs I felt a sudden shift happen in me and saw small signs of the blessings that were to come—more passion for my thesis research, waking up to a flood of art ideas, art canvases I'd been wanting on sale for 50% off, winning a $50 Visa gift card, a loved one suddenly connecting with me more, amazing boys coming out of the wood work, my body feeling healthier and me running again, being on the front page of the paper and the next day a random guy emailing me because he saw the paper and thought I was cute. Over all I was feeling wide open to receiving! I thought, "This is easier than I thought. I do feel deserving of this!"

Sound pretty good? Can you see me standing there with arms out-stretched to the sky, awaiting the flood of love and joy and resources and health? Eyes closed and a big smile on my face, just waiting to be given all that yummy goodness.

Then came the mud pies. Multiple mud pies. Hard and fast, pelting my face one after another. I didn't know it would sting so bad. I didn't know I would be yelling, "Retreat!" after the first 5 seconds and then feel like crap for days. I was asking to be shown my baggage, but holy cow I did not even realize what my baggage was until I got it right in the face. Things I didn't know I felt, not to mention magnified—mud pie handed to you is definitely not as up close and personal as mud pie in your eye! One of the biggest mud pies thrown at me was fear of rejection. I had no idea. Feeling that intense fear made me want to curl up in the fetal position and say good-bye to all my hopes and dreams. I was literally thinking, "Um, so I take it back. My life is great. I don't need love or joy or health or money after all. I'm good. This unbearable pain is just not worth it."

Now do you think I'm going to be as willing to stand there with my arms out-stretched again? You may call me a gluten for punishment, but what other choice do I have? We choose to either stay in our bubble that's comfortable but maybe slightly miserable and unfulfilling, or to grow despite the mud up the nose from time to time. If I can offer any solace to both you and me, after the past year and a half of this journey it's getting easier to face my baggage. Not easy but easier. Why? Because I'm getting better at giving all my burdens to the Lord and asking for exactly what I need. I love myself more, so I'm more confident to unload on Him. We can connect to our Higher Power 24-7 and by so doing feel an outpouring of unconditional love and healing light from the True Source. He lives to bless us with love and grant our heart's desires, to wipe our tears away and comfort us, to calm our troubled hearts and listen to our complaints (see "I Know that My Redeemer Lives" Text © 1775 Samuel Medley)—there is nothing too small; there is nothing too big. He lives for us!

So many times throughout this healing journey I've wanted to turn back, run, hide, curl up in a ball, and beg, "Please! No more mud pies to the face!" but then what is this life for? This post may be more for me than you— I sure do need a good cheering squad right now. At about noon today my sciatica started screaming for attention, and in a matter of minutes it became super painful to sit and walk. I shouldn't be surprised since I asked to be blatantly shown all my unresolved issues, but about now I'm pleading, "Please take this away! When will this pain end? I've tried everything. What am I missing?" I still have so much to learn. So now it's time for me to slow down even more and humbly listen. I'll let you know what I hear.

Washing Fruits and Vegetables

A friend of mine just send me a link to a blog post with a great way to wash fruits and vegetables. Instead of buying a spray bottle of expensive fruit and veggie wash, get some good ole' vinegar instead.

http://thishealthyhomemaker.blogspot.com/2012/01/you-washed-those-right.html#comment-form