A Pause in a Day of RA

7:15 p.m.
Capitol Hill

Was driving up State Street, seeing the majestic capitol up ahead. I thought of the memorable summer days when I came up here to run or sit on the grass. So, split-second decision and here I am, still broken physically but filling my spiritual reserve. My foot will absorb Mother Nature's nurturing energy and no longer feel like a stone block. It's been a rough today.

I don't want to walk anymore, my feet hurt so bad. It hurts to write, so I'm holding my pen differently. Usually my finger stops being swollen a few hours after I wake up, but not today. The "guilt muscle" in my back just started hurting. I am unhappy with my institute class. I spent all morning reading the wrong assignment. I bought the wrong textbook. I just feel crappy, and my head hurts. I want my healthy feet back! I need to call the acupuncture people. I also need a massage. I don't know if waking up at 5 a.m. was the best thing today when I have a class that goes till 7 p.m. I need a heavenly hug.

The Madeleine Cathedral bells are ringing. Small winged bugs keep landing on my arms. The light breeze is barely rustling my hair. I'm in the shade. What a beautiful time of day.

For some reason I let myself be controlled by culture—seasons, in particular, and school beginning. Just because school's started doesn't mean I bury all lessons learned about fun and spontaneity. I'm taking my life back. There's a large bearded man speaking Chinese (I think) at the top of his voice and walking this way. But I know I'm safe. He reminds me of Hagrid.

I release all guilt for not being perfect. I release all guilt for not being a better friend and for not doing my iStar work today. I forgive myself for setting me up for failure. I forgive myself for having expectations that aren't humanly possible.

Hagrid is stumbling closer and yelling louder, so I think my time has come.

Sea Shell Windchimes

In movie of Sense & Sensibility, Margaret, the youngest daughter, makes the coolest sea shell wind chimes when her family moves to a cottage by the ocean. She inspired me, so as I watched the movie the other night I created my own wind chimes from shells I'd collected over the years.

Creating is one of the best ways for me to raise my spirits. It breathes life back into me. It's a wonderful, healing addiction!

To begin my project I gathered together the following:

-shells with a hole already in them
-shells with some sort of an indentation where a drill bit would stay put to begin drilling
-twine
-power drill
-1/8-inch drill bit (or the smallest you can find)
-Sense & Sensibility DVD and my laptop

I'd never used a drill before, so it felt quite empowering to be sitting crossed legged on my living room floor holding a power tool in my hand while watching Jane Austen on the big screen. Some shells were thicker than I thought and took longer to drill through. What? Another lesson on patience?

After making a hole in the shell, I'd lay out the shell on the carpet with the other shells to envision them hanging together. I knew I wanted the shells to be staggered in how they hung, and I knew I wanted some shells to be tied onto the same strand of twine, so I made some twine strands longer and some shorter. I tied the shells onto the individual strands of twine I'd cut, and then when I had all the shells in place, I tied each individual strand onto a longer strand that they all now hang from.

Makes me so happy to see my sea shell wind chime every time I go outside!

No Green Goes to Waste

I was thinning my beets a few weeks ago and thought, "Hey, I should eat these baby leaves instead of composting them." Maybe everyone else naturally knows to eat them, but I sure thought it was a brilliant plan. So here is my tuna sandwich topped with baby chard and baby beet greens—my first taste of the garden! Nothing compares to eating produce you grew with your own two hands.

1 slice sprouted Ezekiel bread (gluten lectins are destroyed in sprouting, but read ingredient label carefully)

Albacore tuna

Tomato slices

Baby chard

Baby beet greens

Any other greens you'd like

Pepper to taste

Asian Sesame Slaw

I originally got the framework for this recipe from The 28-Day Cleansing Program cookbook and then did some tweaking to come up with what you see below. Feel free to do more of your own tweaking to personalize it to your taste buds.

1/2 head cabbage, sliced thin

1/2 cup shredded carrots

1/4 cup red onion, diced

1 clove garlic, minced
2 tablespoons olive oil

3 teaspoons gluten-free tamari (or replace with soy sauce)

1 teaspoon agave

3 tablespoons almond butter
1 teaspoon sesame seed oil
2 teaspoons grated ginger
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon sesame seeds
1/4 cup toasted sunflower seeds

Combine cabbage, carrots, and onion in a large bowl. In a smaller bowl combine all other ingredients except sesame seeds and sunflower seeds, and stir well. Pour mixture onto veggie mixture and stir well. Add seeds and stir.

Salsa Salad

3 large red leaf lettuce leaves (or your favorite green substitute),
   chopped into bite-size pieces
1 cup soaked & cooked garbanzo beans
1 cup  soaked & cooked black beans
1/4 onion, chopped very fine
6 baby carrots, chopped coarsely
1 avocado, diced
1 tomato, diced
1 tablespoon parsley, chopped very fine
1 tablespoon olive oil
Dash cayenne pepper (tasting as you dash as to not over do it)
Salt to taste

Optional: tortilla chips

This creation was inspired by my graduate professor Cheryl, who always knew the perfect day to bring food for the office—the days I forgot lunch or had no food at home to bring! Replace the garbanzo or black beans with Great Northern beans, pinto beans, cannellini beans, kidney beans . . . whatever you prefer.

Combine all ingredients and devour. Tortilla chips can be crunched up and added to each personal salad or used to scoop up the salad for eat bite.

A Master Enjoys the Present

 

A few months ago I went to a Body Mind Spirit workshop given by a dear friend of mine, and this week I've been rereading the materials she gave us, searching for answers as to how I can rise above physical pain, which basically means emotional pain—new paths, new perspectives, connections. Basically, I'm searching for truth. In the process I came across a list of powerful descriptions of victim behavior, survivor behavior, and master behavior. I've referred to it several times a day this week, so I figured if it's helped me this much, it's gotta be of use to some of you! It's enlightened my perspectives, helped me reach for something higher, and given me specific reason to process and release certain emotions that I know are holding me back and making my body act out in pain.

Today I'm sharing #8 with you because it's root emotion is FEAR, which is the most common negative feeling in the world right now. The antithesis of fear is safety, peace, trust, faith, flexibility, and power.

VICTIM BEHAVIOR: Victims are driven by their fears. Their focus on the past creates regrets. Their focus on the future creates worry. Their health and energy are often compromised as they feel powerless and helpless.

SURVIVOR BEHAVIOR: Survivors discipline the mind to live in the moment. They know that guilt, worry, resentment, and other negative emotions rob them of their health and precious energy. They practice trusting the universe (God) in order to let go of fear.

MASTER BEHAVIOR: Masters have an ability to enjoy the present moment, allowing life to just happen, rather than manipulating things to "make" them happen. They are able to manifest their reality as they choose and trust the flow of life.

We compromise our health when we allow ourselves to fear, either reliving the past or mentally creating a worrisome future. To release fear, tell yourself that you are in control of your life. You are powerful beyond your own comprehension, and you have placed your trust God, who you believe will never fail you. You are safe, and you have complete faith that everything will work out. You are flexible and open to new ideas that may lead you down better pathways and increase your joy in life. My mantra for this year is "I am open to everything and attached to nothing," and it has saved me time and time again and led me toward the greatest blessing I would've normally been closed off to.

Today's message: Enjoy the present and allow life to happen. You are the master of your fate. You are courageous, powerful, and fearless!

Homemade Granola

This healthy granola is yummy! (Please excuse the poor quality picture) And guess what? It does not contain refined sugar or any other processed ingredients!

4 cups rolled oats (not instant oats, which are a processed food)
1/2 cup raw wheat germ
1/2 cup shredded coconut
1/4 cup ground flax seed
1 cup nuts (I used macadamia and sliced almonds)
3 tbsp. sesame seeds
1 Tbsp. Cinnamon

Mix well.

Heat these ingredients on stove until just melted.

1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup Grade B maple syrup
1/4 cup water
optional: 1/4 cup coconut oil
optional: 1/2 tsp. vanilla

Pour over dry mixture and stir until evenly distributed. Bake at 250 degrees for 45 minutes, preferably on a cookie sheet. Stir halfway through the baking process. Keep in pantry for up to 2 weeks, or refrigerate for up to 6 weeks. Enjoy! (You can serve this with almond or rice milk, and sprouted raw sunflower seeds)

Room for Indulgence

By nature I am a stickler, a rule-abider, a promise-to-the-death kind of a person. I never realized how powerful my self-control was until people were in awe at how I changed my diet so quickly a year ago and how I did it so "effortlessly." They'd ask me about treats and I'd say, "I don't need them." It took a while for me to get it, but I recently recognized that too much self-control can stifle your spirit and deprive you of joy in life. Who needs joy, right? All I need is health. Interestingly joy and health go hand in hand. Balance. Moderation in all things. Self-control is fabulous as long as you indulge wisely every once in a while.

My indulgence? Halloumi cheese. A Cypriot native, halloumi cheese is the only cheese that can be grilled without melting, and it tastes divine in a fork-full of lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumber. It is worth its weight in gold, but if I'm going to indulge my taste buds and bring a little joy into my life, halloumi cheese is worth the price.

Summertime Pasta Salads

Of all the gluten-free pastas I've tried, hands down, Mrs. Leeper's is the best. I buy the organic rice vegetable twists, and actually just started ordering them in bulk on Amazon.com. Some of the other rice pastas I've tried are so temperamental to cook, hard on the inside and mushy on the outside, but not these ones. Although beware that I have tried the Mrs. Leeper's corn pasta, and I'm not a fan. See what you prefer, but I recommend sticking to the rice pasta.

To throw together a pasta salad I mixed together the following:

gluten-free pasta twists
olive oil
cucumber, chopped
tomatoes, chopped
green bell peppers, chopped
black olives, chopped
Parmesan cheese (vegan option is Vegan Grated Topping)
salt

This is another combo option I tried just yesterday:

gluten-free pasta twists

olive oil

spinach, chopped 

tomatoes, chopped

avocado, diced

Romano cheese, crumbled

salt

Maybe throw in hicama, cilantro, parsley, orange, red, & yellow bell peppers, asparagus, grated carrots, chopped kale, or cashews. Have fun making your own salad combinations. 

Cookie Mix on Trial

Many, many months ago I put the Namaste Chocolate Chip Cookie mix on trial. Read what I thought of them here. Since that time I've found an even better tasting gluten-free and dairy-free cookie mix. The Cravings Place: Chocolate Chunk Cookie. Try them. You won't regret it. Just look at these guys (see mouth-watering photo above)! Again, my long-standing recommendation to you is to make all your food from scratch, but it's nice to have an emergency backup just in case.

Why these cookies over the Namaste ones? They are more substantial and fluffy. Are those good descriptors? I'm not sure they are, but the Namaste cookies would not stay together. They were wimpy and thin. I literally crave these Cravings Place cookies, and it's great to have a treat that has only 4 grams of sugar from beets as opposed to 16 grams of refined sugar. Use coconut oil where it calls for dairy-free margarine. One time I added apple sauce to this mix instead of  coconut oil, and they ended up way too sweet and way too dense.

WARNING: Sugar depletes the body of minerals because of its acidity. To regain pH balance, our bodies pull minerals from our bones and teeth to neutralize the acid in our systems. Be wise and eat sugar in moderation.

Cupcake Mix on Trial

I work with children on the Autism Spectrum, and we are careful what we feed them. Many of them are allergic to tree nuts, casein, and gluten, so we often go the vegan route when preparing snacks for them. Recently we made cupcakes for a celebration we had with their families, experimenting with the Namaste Vanilla Cake Mix and Cliff's Best Gulten-Free Brownie Mix. As always, my long-standing advice is to make all your food from scratch, but it's nice to have an emergency backup just in case you need a gluten-free or vegan dessert in short notice.

In the end, the vanilla cupcakes the boys had grabbed ended up in the trash. Very disappointing, but oh well. Now we know. The vanilla cupcakes tasted more like bran muffins while the chocolate cupcakes could've passed as any of their regular white-flour cupcake friends. Even though Cliff's are a brownie mix, their consistency is more like cake, so they worked great as cupcakes.

WARNING: Sugar depletes the body of minerals because of its acidity. To regain pH balance, our bodies pull minerals from our bones and teeth to neutralize the acid in our systems. Be wise and eat sugar in moderation. 

My Babies Are Growing!

I don't think there's anything quite like watching little sprouts appear out of nowhere from simply planting a seed. It's miraculous! For the first time in my life I have my very own garden, and I suddenly feel like a protective parent . . . and a surprised parents: "You won't believe what my chard did today! They're growing all on their own! And the turnips have the cutest little leaves on them now!"

Because of the winter weather that crept right in the door meant for spring, we planted in cycles. And also, I admit, it was because I was lazy. Planting everything in one or two days seemed impossible, so I just barely planted the beets, spinach, and cilantro. The chard does its own thing and is already sprouting up everywhere, as you see in the picture. Behind the chard in the picture are beautiful purple flowers of our chives. Our turnips, radishes, lettuce, cauliflower, carrots, all kinds of squash, tomatoes, bell pepper, zucchini, and potatoes are healthy, so now it's time to watch the beets, spinach, and cilantro to see what they do. Okay, Mother Nature. Do your thing.

Sweet Potato Tacos

Many thanks to Aunt Cynthia, who introduced me to Sweet Potato Tacos. I could eat them any time of day, and leftovers are just as good. Prepare yourself—these seriously are to die for.

2 medium sweet potatoes (not yams), baked

2 tablespoons coconut oil

1 small onion, chopped
2 cups black beans, soaked and cooked
1 cup vegetable broth
2 cloves garlic (but go crazy and add more if you love garlic)
1 1/2 chili powder
2 teaspoons ground mustard
1 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon salt
Cilantro, chopped
Tortillas (corn or sprouted)

Optional additions: corn, tomatoes
Optional toppings: tomatoes, spinach, avocado, lettuce, fresh salsa

Put the coconut oil in a large frying pan and saute onion and garlic for about 15 minutes. Add beans and seasonings. (I actually have never added chili powder and ground mustard, and the recipe has still turned out amazing.) Stir. Add vegetable broth. At this point I usually add frozen or fresh corn and cilantro. Simmer with lid off until almost all broth has cooked off.

Mash the sweet potatoes with their skins on. Spread some of the potatoes in the middle of the tortilla and top with the beans. Add whatever other toppings you'd like.

What do you want?

How many of you have heard the phrase, "Ask and you shall receive"? Maybe the better question is, how many times have you hard the phrase, "Ask and you shall receive"? And how many of you sometimes sit baffled, skeptical, or indifferent when you hear those words? Like you're missing a vital piece of the equation. Like you must not be worthy of what you want because you sure have not gotten it and have actually stopped asking. Like it just must not be something you'll ever have, so you should just accept it.

Some people say "It's all in the Lord's timing," to make themselves feel better that they haven't gotten what they wanted. Sure. That's an easy excuse. (Sorry to be harsh.) Do you really think a loving God would withhold a righteous desire from you? Instead of saying "the Lord's timing" we should say, it's our timing—we're not yet in a place to receive. What it really comes down to is, do you truly believe that you can have what you're asking for? Now I know your initial response may be to get frustrated and start flinging your sweat & tears at me—I've been there plenty of times myself, so please feel my support, but again, if we've heard the scriptural phrase, "Ask and you shall receive," hundred upon hundred times, it must be important and true. So let's do a little experiment, since that's what this blog is all about anyway, right?

Think about something you really want. You don't just want this if it's convenient, you want this no matter what. This could be physical health, freedom from an addiction, an iPod, peace of mind, some good lovin', thick healthy hair, a new dress, piano lessons for your son, or a dream job. What do you want more than anything?

Now, think about how much you believe you can have this desire. I'm not asking if you deserve this desire, I'm asking if you believe that you can have it. At this point logic often starts to creep in. "Well, I've had bunions for 12 years, so I don't really believe they'll ever go away. And they're hereditary, so I'm stuck with them no matter how much I want them gone," or "I have no clue how I'd be able to afford piano lessons for Joey. We're barely scraping by each month, and I don't see how any extra money will be coming in," or "I've survived my job this long, I guess it's not so bad. I should just feel lucky to even have a job." What do we call these? Cop outs!! Dig deep. Keep going. If belief is your roadblock, now you know where to put your attention.

The desires of your heart and your beliefs must be on the same vibration for you to get what you desire. What does this mean? This means that your desires and your faith must match in strength or you will never get what you want. You either (1) don't believe that it's possible even though you have a lot of desire or (2) don't want it enough even though your faith is strong. Or (3) you have neither strong enough faith nor adequate desire yet. Again, please don't throw rocks until you've processed this information and experimented with it in your own life. Desires are realized at different speeds depending on where we are on the spectrum of belief and the spectrum of desire.

One more fascinating thing to consider: like attracts like. When I said that our desires and beliefs must be on the same vibration for us to get our desire, our thoughts and words must be focusing on what we want, not on what we don't have (i.e., focusing on how fat you are instead of on how you're going to get thinner: "I'm so fat. Nothing fits. Oh my gosh, my hips are so huge. I wish I were as skinny as Sheila," vs. "I'm ready to eat healthier because I deserve to look good and feel good. I look so much healthier than last month! I love myself for being determined to change.") Whatever you put your attention on, you will get—either exactly what you desire or more longing for what you don't have. It's up to you.

For me this part is especially hard because I sometimes feel like I'm flat-out lying to myself. If my whole body aches and I can't move my arm without shooting pain, do you honestly think it's easy to tell myself I'm getting healthier and that my hard work is paying off? Number one, I didn't say it was easy. But it is actually pretty comical at times—I love telling myself that I am the healthiest I've ever been when I'm lying in bed because my hip joints are in so much pain. But even better than being comical at times, it works. I've experienced it. Even this morning I had a good long talk with myself about some emotional issues from last night that triggered pain in my hip and elbow. To be honest, I dread those self-talks. Why? Because it means work and change and doing hard things. It means doing things I don't always want to do, like confronting my inner demons. But if I remind myself that I am working through emotions to keep my body from hurting and to ultimately get what I want, it's not brainwashing or telling lies to myself—it's ultimately focusing on what I want rather than on what I don't want. It's making my beliefs and desires strong enough that by natural law—God's universal laws—I have to get what I desire.

It's True

I just wanted to add to what Katie said in her 'To Be Super Human' post about Vitality. The supplement is amazing! I have been taking it for about a month and a half now. In that time I have doubled my weekly running mileage to about 30 miles a week, and it hasn't even phased me. I feel like I have more energy and am not as tired. Here's a link to my running log: http://www.running-log.com/calendar?athleteid=11833 (I didn't run as much last week because I had the flu.) I have been working hard to get where I am currently with running, but I also feel that Vitality has helped me have the little extra I need. I feel like a teenager again!

Drink Hot Pink

When Robyn Openshaw says her Hot-Pink Breakfast Smoothie is hot pink, she isn't kidding. I went to one of her green smoothie workshops this week, and she asked how many of us had tried her hot pink smoothie. Only a handful of people raised their hands, and I wasn't one of them. For some reason I just hadn't gotten around to trying it even though I've had the recipe for more then a year now.

Well, I woke up this morning and decided today would be the day of the hot pink smoothie. I even had all the ingredients except for the coconut liquid, so I replaced it with coconut milk. It probably came out much thicker than it was supposed to because of that, but it was amazing! No wonder Robyn drinks 4 quarts of it every morning.

1 1/2 cups coconut liquid (raw or canned)
1 large carrot, cleaned and cut into 3 pieces (or 5 baby carrots)
1/2 medium beet, peeled
1/4 cup raw cashews
1/4 cup dates, chopped
2 teaspoons vanilla
12 frozen strawberries

Put the coconut liquid in your blender first. Then add everything else except the strawberries. Blend on high. With my Blendtec I put it on speed 4 to really puree the beets and carrots. Then add the strawberries. I ended up adding 15 strawberries. Be prepared to be amazed!

To Be Super Human

True: Today I ran 5.6 miles instead of the 4.0 miles I planned on. (Hey, I felt good and wanted to keep going—I'm not sure that's ever happened before.)
True: My last mile was paced at 7:58 (I was also running down hill).
True: I haven't run 5.6 miles in almost 13 years!
True: I haven't run, period, in 12 years!
False: I could go run another 5.6 miles right now, piece o' cake, because I've got super-human powers.

Although I am not Super Woman, I do have a confession to make. Two months ago I started taking a supplement that resets your genes. That's exactly what I said, but this aint no science fiction. The supplement is called Vitality, and believe you me, I did my research before putting it in my body. I actually refused to try it until I took a bottle to my holistic doctor, to have her test it's compatibility with my body. Her computer registered it very high, meaning my body would greatly benefit from Vitality. So I shed me skepticism and gave it a try. My only regret is that I didn't start taking it sooner—I would've sold just about anything (including my earring tree, which everyone knows is the first thing I'd grab in a fire) to have had Vitality a year ago when I was in such unbearable RA pain.

Vitality is full of all kinds of natural extracts like cordyceps mushrooms, pomegranate, and ginseng (nonstimulating), but the key ingredient is the "Ageloc formula" based on the research of the human genome. The scientists who won the Nobel Prize for discovering the human genome are the same guys who created this Ageloc anti-aging, gene-resetting formula. For more on the science behind Vitality, click on the image below.

So what happens after taking Vitality? That all depends on your body—everyone is different. After three weeks I noticed that the rheumatoid arthritis in my right hand stopped reared it's ugly head!—for the most part, my right hand is the last remaining area of RA in my body. And after about a month and a half I noticed I could not only get by with 7 hours of sleep, but I could function and felt totally rested! To go from needing about 9 to 10 hours every night to 7 is a modern-day miracle. Many of you who read this blog have auto-immune diseases and know all about exhaustion! Others of you have small children, which, I may be so bold to say, is comparable to having an auto-immune disease when it comes to energy level. If Vitality could help give you part of your life back, like it has me, it is worth trying! This is not a shot of energizer bunny for the quick energy fix or the all-nighter, but this is the natural way to get your genes producing energy more efficiently, like they did when you were 20 years old, if you can remember that far back. (Oh, and Vitality helps with mental acuity too, for those of you who can't remember being 20.)

"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing."

At the moment I'm breaking in my new SmartWool PhD light half-cushion running socks and playing around with my new Nike running band, which just arrived, thanks to See Jane Run. What does all this mean?? Go ahead and say it! . . . I'm running again!! Literally and powerfully and joyfully my body is moving like it's never moved before, and this new kind of motion has become quite an addiction. An exhilarating mix of pure gratitude and complete awe at what I'm capable of. Every time I run, the thought comes to my mind, "This is your life!" and I know this is a good life. A good, good life.

In January I knew I wanted to run again, and for the first time in ten years I believed I could. First I bought a pair of running shoes, then some running shorts and running socks. I was painting a very clear picture of what I wanted. I wanted to create some hype for myself, turning 30 years old and all the end of March, and really wanted to be running before that. But it didn't happen. So I patiently waited and health-ified my body even more and officially started running April 21st. But boy was I walking before that and even when I did start running it was about 5 minutes at a time with a lot of walking in between. On Saturday I ran 4 miles in 45 minutes and felt great. Anyone up for doing a half marathon the end of the summer? The best part is, I'm serious.

PS: I will keep you posted on how the new socks hold up after a long run. And once I figure out the running band, you'll be able to follow my running online and know that honest to goodness, these feet are  not just walking without pain, they are running up hills and down. For now, check out my running log by clicking here or start your own by clicking here. Sam will have to give you her running-log info too, so you can see what a stellar runner she is. Watch for her in the next summer Olympics.

Global Visitors

I happened to just now take a peek at the details of the stat counter, which lets me know from where in the world people are connecting with this site. I was so excited to see that people from Canada, India, and Belgium are passing through to see what we have to say! Yes, I've dedicated an entire post to you, and I'd love to hear your comments, please! I'm in a very open and teachable stage of life (which may not last too long, right?), so in case this stage is more fleeting than I thought, I'd love to hear from all of you. Even my fellow Americans.

The Only True Medicine

c/o http://www.davidthompsonart.com/photography.htm

Have you noticed that the flood gates have opened at last, and I can't stop sharing now? It's finally time. I've also been recently shelving a few of my other responsibilities in order to make time to post, but it's time.

From a few of the books I've been reading, I'm seeing how our emotions are often directly connected to whatever physical pain we're experiencing. Yesterday I decided to go deeper and evaluate what emotions I need to be dealing with based on what showed up on Barbara's computer on Wednesday: Epstein Barr Virus (yep, it's back!), circulation, spleen, head and neck pain, and lungs. Sure we could say that rheumatoid arthritis causes poor circulation or that I'm stressed and that causes EBV to flare up as well as headaches and neck pain, but why am I stressed? Why am I allowing myself to feel stress? We could also assume that my lungs are a little clogged from the winter inversion and my daily commute to a big city, but what is really causing these malfunctions in my body? Why is my body weak enough to allow these environmental or genetic problems to effect me?

So I did more research and gathered all of the emotions that could be linked to these physical malfunctions and reflected on what I've most recently been experiencing in life. What I found that matched was the following: fear, resisting love from others, anxiety and pressure, stress from responsibilities, not being sincere with myself and others because of lack of self-love, not allowing myself to feel others' love/feeling rejected, fear, resentment, not feeling approval, hurts from love, feeling life is monotonous, not being able to do things my way, inflexible state of mind, moving under pressure, wanting to let feelings out but don't dare, tension, discouragement, not enjoying my job but I can't quit, putting myself down, and feeling I must prove myself. Yikes. What does that all mean, and can I really admit that all of that gunk is mine? To be honest, it takes a lot of courage to admit we've got a lot of nonsense going on inside our heads. You are all my confidantes now because these are not things I like to admit. But I'm beginning to see that I'm not alone. None of us are immune to negative self-talk and feelings of inadequacy, but by becoming more aware of our tendencies we can help alleviate the emotional and physical pain.

So next I did some more reflecting and thought, "What is the positive alternative to all of these negative emotions?" I concluded that it was LOVE and PEACE. I then dug a little deeper to discover that my need for peace actually stems from stress and anxiety to perform because of needing approval. If I felt more LOVE, I wouldn't need to perform and feel like I have to be perfect to get it. Thus, LOVE is the true answer! The Beatles were right—all you need is love. LOVE is the only true medicine.

Last night I finished Guidepost #2, "Cultivating Self-Compassion" in the book The Gifts of Imperfection and that got me thinking about the root of the antithesis of LOVE. For me that root is perfectionism. This basically means 1) needing approval, acceptance and to feel good enough and 2) fear of judgment, blame, and shame. It's that feeling that in order to feel or deserve love you have to earn it.

So since I now know that LOVE is the only true medicine, I decided to list all of the moments people showed me love yesterday—all the hugs, the "I love yous," the smiles, the little acts of kindness, the moments of acceptance, the acknowledgments that I exist and matter. And then I thought back to how I felt in each one of those moments. I realized that in quite a few I was quick to deny the love or discount it or challenge it. Why?? Why do we often feel unworthy of love? That's something we all have to uncover and understand for ourselves.

For me Jesus Christ is the ultimate source of love, so this morning I decided to list the ways He showed love. Teaching, healing, performing acts of kindness, working miracles, seeing and hearing people that others didn't, forgiving, accepting, seeking out "lost sheep," believing in people, inviting people to follow Him, making time for people, empathizing, sharing His gifts, being Himself, being self-compassionate, connecting with people, washing his apostles' feet, mourning with those who were sad, being patient, speaking truth, being courageous, caring for His mother, talking to and playing with the children, chastising when the circumstances required it, and being selfless in everything He did. How was it possible for Christ to give LOVE without limit?

It's one thing to know that LOVE is the true medicine, but without knowing how to allow it into our lives, it means nothing. I decided that Christ's ability to give and receive LOVE came down to three things: 1) He knew who He was; 2) He understood His earthly mission; and 3) He had appropriate expectations. So in order to let LOVE in, we must know who we are and our true worth; we have to understand what great purpose we have in this life; and we need to recognize that everyone is imperfectly human, so we can't have faulty expectations of not only others' abilities but our own abilities as well.

I don't know about you, but I feel exhausted now! Excited to be getting more answers but drained. I think I need to do some more internalizing and processing and planning to know how to put this all into action. These roots stretch deep, and this post is only the tips of the branches.